Recently Reddit user Fresh-Astronomer3666 asked the women of the community, "Women who do not have a lot of sexual chemistry with their spouses, how is your marriage going?"
Women didn't hold anything back, and revealed some pretty eye-opening truths about their sex lives. They believe sexual chemistry is either suuuper important to keep a relationship spicy, and others just don't care.
So, here are both sides to the story:
Note: These submissions don't reflect a universal experience of sexual chemistry between partners. Everyone's story is different.
1. "I got a divorce, and honestly it was the best thing I could’ve done. I’m with a man now who I’m really sexually compatible with, and I’ve never been happier. I had no sex life at all in my marriage and got shamed for having a sex drive because 'normal people aren’t like that' and what I liked was 'dirty' and 'no one actually does those things.' Turns out they do! Being compatible and at least able to talk about those things made sex pretty mind-blowing."
"I also got divorced and don't regret it. I'm currently single, but had a partner who I was very sexually compatible with after the divorce. I now have 'a decent sex life' on my non-negotiable list.
I'm just so much happier with 'regular,' good sex and it makes the rest of the relationship so much easier. It doesn't have to be mind-blowing, but it should at least be enjoyable and not lead to stress."
2. "I didn't have sexual chemistry with my partner during my first marriage. We got married young and were like best friends. He was getting his sexual needs fulfilled, but I never had an orgasm or anything close to it with him. There were eventually other problems that led to us separating, but that did weigh in a bit on my side. When I first slept with another man...WOW! I realized that sex can feel good and I need that chemistry with whoever I'm in a relationship with in the future. I can't do another relationship without that chemistry."
3. "We’ve been together for 12 years and he has no desire to please me. He has a low libido, so if I bring up me having an orgasm, he gets upset and tells me I should be happy that he’s making more effort with sex. I don’t think sex should be an effort — I feel like I want to leave him while I’m still young and go and experience more. I’ve only been with two people. I’ve brought it up with my husband loads, but nothing changes. I don’t know if he just doesn’t care. I honestly feel trapped because we have a child and a mortgage. Outside of sex he can be a bit ignorant, but he’s my best friend. We laugh a lot and get on really well, but we’re more like friends and it makes me seriously depressed that I’ll never experience passion again."
4. "We’ve been together for the better part of two decades and he’s still my favorite person. We have no major issues in our relationship as we want the same things out of life — we entertain each other and never really fight because we communicate so well with each other. Disagreements never get nasty and there are never really hurt feelings. We never had an overly sexual relationship (I think at the beginning we were having sex maybe once a week). For a while, it made me sad because I was a highly sexual person and he wasn't. This honestly made me look at how I approached sex and realized being so sexual wasn't something I wanted to do, but rather the only way I knew how to make a man like me."
"Granted, I did have a lot of fun being 'promiscuous' in my twenties — it wasn’t all for male validation. He had his own hang ups with sex because of a very religious upbringing, so not focusing on the act of sex but developing overall intimacy helped him open up. Still, he doesn’t have a huge libido.
However, we’ve always been and continue to be very affectionate with each other. We kiss whenever we pass each other at home, we hold hands when we’re walking, we have long, swaying hugs many times during the day. He grabs my butt, we cuddle — we’re generally physically playful.
When we do have sex (which at this point is a few times a year) it’s enjoyable but definitely not the best I’ve ever had (again, I’m more experienced compared to him). We have some chemistry with each other, we have physical touch constantly, but I guess the penetrative sex part is something we still struggle to perform regularly."
5. "Overall it's going great. Sometimes I do get sad that our sex life isn't as good as when I was single, but we love each other and I deal with it. He does care about my satisfaction, so when we have sex it's generally good — he just isn't in the mood as often as I would like him to be."
6. "Just got divorced and this was one of two big 'irreconcilable' reasons we did. It's so much more than 'just sex' — it's the emotional intimacy, connection, and desire to learn how to please each other. Communication issues were certainly there, so it just ate away at me. When we did start communicating better about it, it just became clear we were incompatible. So, I can't see a way out unless one person is able to sacrifice their needs."
"I wasn’t married, but I relate to this a lot! I also had that 'WOAH' moment when I had sex with another man. It made me realize how sex is supposed to feel.
I'm happily single today, and I now know how important sexual chemistry is."
7. "Sex isn’t everything — we’re doing great. We have a solid relationship and respect each other. I have several friends who married very good-looking men and had great sex lives until they divorced. Their husbands were either unfaithful or poor communicators. I’d rather take a man who's good at communicating, has good character, and isn't super sexual over a hot, sexy asshole (or man-child) any day."
"A good friend (freshly divorced with a baby after a few years of marriage to the sexiest man she’d ever dated) confessed to me that she doesn’t care about a man’s sex appeal anymore. The first thing she wants to know now that she’s dating again is if he is kind, can communicate, is hard-working, and helpful around the house.
Good sex would be nice to have as a bonus for her, but she says she doesn’t need it. She focused so much on sexual chemistry when choosing her first husband that she failed to vet his character thoroughly.
So, for me, (and her anyway) sexual chemistry is low-priority. But then again, I also have a low sex drive, so it could be just me."
8. "We didn’t actually get married, but I left him after seven years (which felt a lot like a divorce with how much we were entrenched in each other’s lives). But, you can only take so much of craving physical closeness with someone who would rather play video games in every free moment. It wasn’t like that at the start, but it went on for at least five of those seven years."
"Oh my goodness I SO relate. I could literally be naked or wearing cute lingerie trying to initiate sex, and he won’t even look up from his computer screen. We never married, but we have a kid together (which was planned). Needless to say, gaming trumps all (including our child) and I went from craving his intimacy to just being resentful and too fed up to even want him anymore."
9. "Currently living with him with the promise (from him) the sexual chemistry will get better. It hasn't. I feel like I've wasted three years of my life with him and sacrificed my sex life. Sex is so important."
10. "I spent more than a decade with a man who wasn't tickling my physical pickle at all. Frankly, we didn't even fall in love (or at least I didn't), but we gave it a try anyway. We were the best of friends (and by the best, I mean THE BEST). The rapport was unreal, we were pretty much having a telepathic connection. Every aspect of a relationship maxed out, but when it came to kissing and having sex, there was absolutely nothing. I'd even go as far as to say we were so alike mentally, it felt almost...incestuous? Like, it was NOT supposed to happen. It's hard for me to describe it."
"We tried to go for it a few times literally after YEARS of being together because the thought of breaking up was just killing me, and it felt like all or nothing. But, it was all ending with me crying in secret.
To add insult to injury, I had never slept with anyone else before, and just couldn't bear the thought of not having a sex life ever.
It ultimately destroyed us. I met someone new and fell madly in love. I knew we were done the moment I felt it."
11. "We haven’t had sex in almost 14 years and it’s been rough (and before that, little to no sexual chemistry). I was so young and naïve — we are friends, but more like roommates with children and have a 'business' which is running a family. I want out a lot, but I just don’t think I’ll leave at this point. It’s deeply unfulfilling. I guess I don’t have the courage and don’t want to see my kids 50% of the time or ruin the relationship I have with them. They would never understand and would hate me for wrecking what looks like a perfect family."
12. "I want sexual chemistry. My body doesn’t allow it very often — I hardly ever get horny. I usually get into sex after it starts, but I wish I actually craved it. And when they act like assholes, it doesn’t help 😒."
13. "We have sex maybe six times a year, but it’s somehow the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. Don’t get me wrong, I wish we had more sexual chemistry and I wish we had a hot sex life. But I wouldn’t trade the emotional intimacy for even the best sex of my life."
14. "For us, we both don’t need sex every day. I think we do it, like, once or twice a week. I’m also pregnant (which changed a lot of things sexually), but I love my husband and I know he loves me. I honestly use my vibrator more often than have sex with him. I just don’t really connect having sex with masturbating."
15. "I married him thinking the sex was…fine, I guess. Nothing special, nothing terrible. I had a lower libido than him, and I thought I’d just indulge him and get through it. Since then I’ve grown to hate it — I feel stuck. My lack of desire for it coupled with shitty communication led him to having an affair. I know intellectually his affair was not totally my fault, but sometimes I do blame myself. I also think he has a sex addiction. He wants to fix things with me. I think I want to get out, but I’m a giant 'coward.' I’m in my mid-thirties and feel scared about starting over, so I just feel…frozen."
Note: Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.