We asked the BuzzFeed Community to tell us what it was like "settling" in a romantic relationship/marriage, and boy oh boy, they didn't hold anything back. They revealed some pretty eye-opening and harsh truths that took me back — they gave deep insight into what it truly means to "settle down" in a partnership.
So, here's what they had to say:
Note: Some stories were pulled from this Reddit thread by user u/pillowofdark and this Reddit thread by user u/Watson_A_Name.
1. "I 'settled' and I'm good in life, but not happy. To be honest, I'm not even sure the romantic, infatuated love that I envisioned actually exists. I'm terrified of the dating world to ever try again. I've been with my husband for 14 years (married for three). We were in high school when we met, and he cheated many times — physically, gross amounts of messages, secret emails, etc.. I hated him for MANY years, and in a sense I still do hold some hate all of these years later. It never truly goes away. You can forgive, but memories pop up. He's apologized profusely and we've had deep conversations about it, concluding that he is so far removed from who he used to be, and had severe issues in his life. We got pregnant nearly three years into our relationship, and that held us together (we were determined to be good parents). We went through college together, bought a home, and eventually got married — but I didn't feel the magic even then."
2. "When I met my husband, he was in loads of debt and stuck in a tiny apartment he was never going to move out of. Now we have a beautiful house and a gorgeous child, and he finally has his dream job. I love him, but haven't been in love with him for years. I stay because I feel responsible for him. He tells me he can't live without me constantly. I just focus on my child, and try to make the best of it. It could be worse."
—Anonymous
3. "I got married when I was 28 and we divorced five years later. I loved him at the time, but during my marriage, I did feel like I was just 'settling.' Did I start to resent him? I don't know, but I could not be with him anymore. There weren't any hard feelings once the papers were signed, but I know I broke his heart, and that's something I have to live with. As I got older and lived on my own, I met my now-partner, and he and I are what I feel like a marriage should be. Maybe I just wasn't mature enough for one back then, and did what my other friends were doing because I was of a certain age (and being a woman, you get that stigma put on you). I'm much happier now. I don't know how he's doing — we don't talk. He still lives nearby, but I never see him. He doesn't see me, either. I wish nothing but the best for him."
4. "I’ve only been in a happy relationship once. The other relationships I always felt they had an expiration date, and I was just in it for the company/affection. 'Settling' just isn’t worth it to me, especially now that I deal with chronic pain. If I’m going to spend my life with someone, I want them to make me feel energized — not drained from resentment. Otherwise, I’d rather just be single."
5. "My parents were pressuring me to get married (Indian values) since I was 21. I moved out of the house so I didn’t have to hear about it from my mother, who'd badger me about it every chance she got. I had a friend who came to the US for his masters. He was just a friend, someone who listened whenever I talked — nothing more and nothing less. I was turning 25, and the pressure (along with taunts from my mother) were getting increasingly unbearable. He came to visit his parents and possibly find a girl (his parents thought it was time for him to get married, as he finished his studies and got a stable job in the US). He told me he wanted to marry me — at first I was shocked and said no. But after much convincing from my friends (who were all married), I said yes. I didn’t feel a thing for him except that I loved him as a friend and as human being. I respected him a lot, but I could never develop romantic feelings for him."
"I always questioned those feelings within myself. I didn’t have anyone who I could talk to about it — I stayed in that marriage for 10 years. Thankfully we never had kids. When I started working, I met so many different people, and it was then I realized that it was not fair on my part to keep us tied down to each other.
I never thought I wanted kids, but it turned out I never wanted them with him. A small part of me always knew that I didn’t want to be with him, that I didn’t love him that way, and was always afraid that if I did have kids with him, I probably would've never left.
When I brought up separation, he was devastated. I told him that we both deserved a chance to be with someone we loved. It’s been almost eight years since we ended it, and I am still struggling to find 'the one.' He, on the other hand, is married now and has kids."
6. "I was scared to come out — so when I was 17, I started dating this guy. I never thought it would turn into anything, but all of a sudden we had been together for over five years and were living together. He was a good guy and I was close with his family — our relationship was about as good as it could be, given the fact that I felt guilty and miserable every single day. I had 100% accepted that this was my life and that was that. All of a sudden, he broke up with me out of the blue (he called me a few weeks later in tears asking for forgiveness). It was like a switch flipped, and I knew I could never go back. I had been given permission to be free. I came out to my parents the following month and to the rest of the world two months after that. My world changed overnight! I had no idea just how heavy the weight was that I had been carrying on my shoulders until it was gone. I am a freer, happier soul!"
7. "I 'settled' for a husband who I thought was a 'safe' choice. Not super attractive, non-smoker, non-drinker, not the partying type — kind of a 'nerd.' Here we are more than 10 years and three kids later, and I just uncovered his multiple affairs with women he’s met online (we’re talking 10-plus women). Now we’re headed for a messy divorce. I'll never 'settle' again."
—Anonymous
8. "I had more than one very comfortable relationship that lasted too long due to convenience. We were compatible, I liked her, and it was nice to have companionship. But I realized it just wasn't enough, and with great difficulty we broke up. I then found someone I truly fell in love with, and we've remained happily married 40+ years later. I don't call it 'settling,' but I would encourage people not to fall into the trap of staying with someone because the relationship is convenient and comfortable."
9. "I met my husband 23 years ago, and he told me he loved me after less than a month — I told him I wasn't there yet. Then I was offered a job across the country. As a divorced mom, the promotion and income increase would mean that for the first time ever, I would be able to pay for housing and all of my utilities without juggling. When I told him, he wanted to go with me, and I said yes. We lived together for five years before everyday aches and pain turned bad for him. He was diagnosed with RA and MS. I turned it around in my head several times and knew that I couldn't leave him in this situation. Now he is totally disabled — he can't even sit up. I am his daily caretaker. I don't regret staying with him, but I daydream of having a different life."
10. "My parents loved each other a little, but had loved others much more deeply before they married each other. Wars and things got in the way of those other relationships, and they wound up making a compromise with each other. As one of their children, it was clear to me that they did not know how to love each other fully, and for most of my life, they were in a state of slow-growing resentment (which played out, as it will, on us children). They stayed married until they died — staying married kept the family financially more stable, but in almost all other respects, it was not pretty."
11. "My ex and I split because they were wildly immature, which led to a whole collection of other problems. One thing we did have that I miss is just a deep-soul connection. We would stay up all night talking and laughing, and they were truly my best friend. I don't feel like I have that with my current partner."
—Anonymous
12. "I've been with this amazing guy for over a year now. He treats me like a queen, and I love him very much. The thing is I've never had butterflies or consumed most of my time thinking of him. I felt secure immediately. I was confused by this 'cause I had those feelings with my exes (who were basically 'hot players' who used me for sex). I grew up on Disney and rom-coms, so I thought there was supposed to be drama or a chase, and it wasn’t like that. We hit every milestone perfectly. There's no drama, and it’s nice! I was afraid I was 'settling,' and now I see that's not the case. It’s a real relationship — not the movies."
13. "I think there was a time when my dad really did love my mom, but I know my mom was never in love with him. She tried (boy did she TRY). I think she loved him, but was never in love, butterflies, can't eat, can't sleep kind of love. My grandma was extremely depressed and an alcoholic after she lost her sons back to back, and a lot of that was taken out on my mother and aunt. My grandma said the only way they were allowed to leave her house was if they got pregnant and/or married. So, my mom chose marriage to the first guy she saw, which was my dad. He was a means to an end, unfortunately. My mom 'settled' to save herself from my grandma's abuse."
14. And: "When I was 27, I had an arranged marriage after not having a date for two years (and being involuntarily celibate for four years). Between the ages of 23 and 25, I dated two women — one lasted a week, and the other lasted two months. After two years of being dateless, I got an arranged marriage by my parents. I'm okay with it — I felt like if I didn't agree with the arranged marriage, I would've never had another date and would've been single for the rest of my life. I didn't want to be alone anymore."
Note: Some stories have been edited for length and/or clarity.