Hello, My Future Wife

    Thank you for responding to my online dating ad. Allow me to give you a tour of the home that we can share together.

    Here is my bookshelf. We can fill it with your favorite books, like "Twilight" if you like.

    Here is my opulent bathroom. See the bidet? That is like a shower for your butt.

    We can take a bath together while looking at my beautiful murals. I'll make a shampoo mohawk for myself, tee hee.

    I've slipped into something more confortable for the rest of the tour of your potential new home.

    Whoa whoa not so fast, madam! I'm not that kind of guy you can get into bed right away.

    But..... just in case I have slipped into my pajamas.

    You do not want to also put on the pajamas? Ok, ok.

    Here I am in my office. I am a busy businessman. Do you see my papers? They are Business Papers.

    Care for a golden shower? You see, the fixtures in my shower are made of gold. Wait don't leave...

    I am a man of exquisite taste in art and clothing.

    My home DOES have central heating, but sometimes I turn it off just so I can relax in my furs.

    There is a family of raccoons that live in this tree. They have been terrorizing me, but I will exact my revenge.

    I am an excellent chef, and I love to cook. Do you like toast and popcorn?

    Here is my opulent dinner table. We can host many parties with our friends. As long as the raccoons stay away.

    One time I caught the raccoon staring at me through the window while I took my bath. I was haunted by his beady eyes.

    Please, come sit by me, my flower.

    Ok, you can stay there.

    Wait, where are you going? I hope you were not turned off by the raccoons.

    I am ready for you now, my princess.