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As/Is

What Article Of Dad Clothing Are You?

Congratulations! You are an outdated pair of pleated-front khakis that sit too high on your waist. These went out with the ‘80s, but that doesn’t stop these pants from being worn by Seinfeld-referencing dads. Luckily for the pops sporting these, if their parachute pack ever fails, they have these aerodynamic slacks as a backup. May these pants never Rest In Pleats.

Pleated-front khakis

Congratulations! You are a gift shop t-shirt from that family vacation you went on in 2003. Jackson Hole, The Grand Canyon, Rehoboth Beach—it’s not that the dads who wear you want everyone to know where they’ve been...they just don’t shop for clothes. These are the dads who are normcore but have no idea what normcore is. So long as dads don’t care about fashion, you’ll be around. Long live the anti-aesthete.

A gift shop t-shirt from that family vacation you went on in 2003

Congratulations! You are a pair of plaid boxers with nothing else! You might technically be underwear, but when the dads who wear you want to get the Sunday paper from the end of the driveway, you will come in contact with the outside elements. The dads who wear these don’t really give a sh\*t what Susan and Tim across the street think because this dad was a legend in college and don’t you forget it.

Plaid boxers worn as if they're shorts

Congratulations! You are a pair of brown slip-on Merrells! The dad who wears you is a man of the Earth. He goes where the wild things are. Steve from Home Depot recognizes him when he goes to buy fertilizer. A no nonsense shoe for a no nonsense guy.

Brown slip-on Merrells

Congratulations! You are a pair of medium wash relaxed fit jeans. You are worn by the Classic dad. Shirts are tucked into you. White New Balance are worn beneath you. Abbey Road has been listened to while wearing you. When a man becomes a father, before he is handed his child he is first handed a pair of you.

Medium wash relaxed fit jeans

Congratulations! You are a pair of ribbed socks with a hole where the big toe goes! The dads who wear you still cook with corn oil, eat white bread, and drink milk even when it smells suspect. These dads have one mode and that is wartime rationing. Even though you are damaged goods and technically not doing your job as socks anymore, you will not be replaced. Why fix what ain’t broke, and for that matter, why even fix what is.

Ribbed socks with a hole where the big toe goes

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What Article Of Dad Clothing Are You?

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