1.
well my new license plate came in today... wish i could say i paid extra as some sort of sick joke but no. i just so happen to have the worlds worst luck.
2.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
3.
Why are puzzles so expensive?? Like bitch you are a broken picture. You should be paying me.
4.
billy joel: she’s an uptown girl me: where has she been living billy joel: ur not gonna believe this
5.
Betty White is so old she starred on a 7-season TV show about being old that went off the air before most of you were born
6.
peeling garlic cloves like um excuse me but it’s time to take off your little jacket
7.
Guy who invented sheet music: I'm going to use dots and lines to represent notes Me: couldn't you use just use the letters they are named aft- Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one Me: Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
8.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad? clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i'll just have a regular salad please waiter: alri- clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
9.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
10.
Me in the mirror: ooh lookin' kinda cute Me in a photo:
11.
My bf's first language is french, and he forgot the word for "lid", so instead he held up the pot and asked "where is his hat?"
12.
Wow a chicken just told me their top three favorite composers of all time wow 1) Bach 2) Bach 3) Bach
13.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
14.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
15.
my cat is perfect. i am just watching her eat. she is so good at it. little drink of water after. genius. how is she so naturally gifted? i will die for her.
16.
please do not disturb me i am stalking my own social media profiles to see how i would be perceived by a stranger again
17.
me: *hits spider web down with broom* spider: wow me: *puts up fake spider web decorations for Halloween* spider: WOW
18.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll
19.
system of a down: why dont presidents fight the war. why do they always send the poor me: [13 yrs old] damn why do they do that
20.
genie: you have three wishes me: nightvision goggles genie: dope me: the only pair on the planet genie: many people will be affected me: now kill the sun genie: dude
21.
{trying to fit in with my son’s friends} yo what up fam you guys see all the dank memes haha ok i gotta go see if i got any faxes tell your moms i said yeet
22.
i bought my friend 4 pregnancy tests .. they all came out positive & now she crying .. she gon ask me “how tf am i going to afford to feed 4 kids”