1. On new features:
Canadian Tire now offers life insurance... that you can roll up with an elastic, stick in a kitchen drawer, and never use.
2. On collecting:
Is my brother laundering Canadian Tire money? Is this the "family business" he was bragging about when he was drunk?
3. On exchange rates:
Canadian Tire money is now worth more than the Canadian Dollar
4. On foreign value:
Canadian Tire money is now worth 10 times more than the British pound
5. On aging:
I am laughed-at-a-Canadian-Tire-commercial years old
6. On swagger:
Walking home from Canadian Tire with paint cans made me feel like John Travolta in the opening credits to Saturday Night Fever.
7. On departments:
If you ever wondered what eating in the Apocalypse will be like, Canadian Tire has a Food section now.
8. On valuable skills:
I only know how to install ceiling fans because of my 5 years at Canadian Tire. That weird ceiling with all the light fixtures? THAT WAS ME.
9. On genius ideas:
You know what would make Canada a better place? If Tim Horton's accepted Canadian Tire money.
10. On locations:
Just off the Ivory Coast and need patio furniture? Canadian Tire has you covered.
11. On the first signs of the holidays:
Christmas in Canada - snow, poutine, and a burning hated for the never-ending procession of Canadian Tire commercials.
12. On feeling rich:
You know that feeling when you find money in your pocket? Well, its not the same when it's Canadian Tire money.
13. On employees:
Apparently your smartphone is tracking your in-store movements for retailers. Which is more than in-store employees at Canadian Tire do.
14. On retiring:
Study finds Cdn retirees are better off than American ones. Because they have an extra retirement fund in Canadian Tire money.
15. On merchandise:
So, like, every box is already opened at Canadian Tire, right?
16. On fan fiction:
"Ever dance with a shovel in the pale moonlight?" - The Joker, trying to sell a shovel, during his first floor sales shift at Canadian Tire
17. On podcasts:
On the next episode of Serial: Canada Scott MacDonald spoke poorly about a Newfie in a Canadian Tire parking lot.
18. On holiday gifts:
Yes, nothing says Happy Mother's Day like giving mom a wooden block full of knives. Thanks but no thanks, Canadian Tire!
19. And on dads:
88% of the nation's dads are currently in the Canadian Tire 'Screws and Fasteners' aisle