1.
Just spotted a cat on someone's porch, miaowing to be let in. Without thinking, I walked up to the door, rang the bell, nodded to the cat and left. It was only I rounded the corner I realised what I'd done as I heard the owner shouting FUCK ME SARAH THE CAT JUST RANG THE DOORBELL
2.
One time my friend Brandon’s Dad and his mom were in a heated argument in the car and she took his kid rock cd out of the player and threw it out the window with rage and he looked her dead in the eyes and pulled out a second copy of that same cd and put it back in the player
3.
Today the drug dog came to our school and he stopped by my car and wouldn't move so I had to go out there and unlock it so he could search my car and it was because of the dog treats I keep in there
4.
This lady at my work today told me her ex husband cheated on her so she made him a “beef and rice” dinner with alpo dog food mixed in and didn’t tell him till after he ate the whole thing that if he wanted to act like a dog she would feed him like one & I’m still laughing
5.
Please enjoy this fantastic video of my friend Stevie. It's one of my favorite things ever
6.
Bro so I had court today and the judge asked this man who drove him cause his license was suspended and he replied “my bitch...” with a straight face😂😂😂. Then after the long silence gone say “oh my bad... My bitch, Your honor”😂😂😂😂 I waited a hour to tweet this I’m still 💀
7.
8.
a baby was staring at me in target so i started waving to her & she waved back & the mom whipped around & was like OMG & i was like oh sorry i was just waving to your baby & she was like THAT WAS THE 1ST TIME SHES WAVED & me & this mom SCREAMED in the store bc we were so excited
9.
Yesterday I stopped to pet a dog, and as the owner walked away I heard him say to her, "You see? Everybody loves you! And you don't even love yourself!!!" and I'm going to be thinking about it for the next five years
10.
today in class this guy I was sitting next to had a bag of carrots & the entire class he kept throwing them into his backpack. I asked him what he was doing & he was like "oh sorry do u want one? they're for Kent" and then just whips open his backpack to show his chinchilla Kent
11.
Earlier today I went to a girl's highschool soccer game and there was a rough play where two players went to the ground. I guess one of them pulled the other's hair so she gets up and says "I liked it better when your bf pulled my hair" not even the ref knew what to do. I fainted
12.
this guy was just sitting on the floor of the gym on his phone and he looks up at me and goes “my girl has my location shared and i promised her i was gonna go to the gym more so now i just sit here and watch netflix” LMAOOOOO
13.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
14.
Before my mum passed away, she gave my dad strict instructions to water the plants in the bathroom. He's been religiously watering them & keeping them alive. They look so amazing he decided to take them to his new home, only to discover they are plastic! Can hear my mum chuckling https://t.co/N87giD5zKT
15.
In 6th grade I had a really big crush on this boy who had a girlfriend, so one day on aim I messaged him a link to the music video for "you belong with me" by Taylor Swift. Joe if you're reading this that was weird, my bad
16.
So my brother texts me and says “guess what I done today” and proceeds to tell me he surprised his wife with 2 alpacas... and yes they’re riding in his minivan. Meet Rebel and Shenanigan. I can’t make this stuff up y’all. https://t.co/vu2vlb6vyC
17.
The mom I babysat for on NYE came home hammered as her husband did everything in his power to hold her up. She then proceeded to grab me, look deep into my eyes, and say "choose the nice guy. always choose the nice guy." And that was the first thing I heard in 2018.
18.
