1.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
2.
ME: *realises I've just stepped on an ant* oh no JOHN WICK: Has anyone seen my pet ant? ME: OH NO
3.
ur telling me a flea runs this market
4.
It puts the lotion on its skin, after it puts on toner and serum, but before it puts on sunscreen—it also started double cleansing recently, which it thinks is going well.
5.
socrates: to do is to be plato: to be is to do scooby: do be do
6.
Me sowing: Haha fuck yeah!!! Yes!! Me reaping: Well this fucking sucks. What the fuck.
7.
Being an old-timey doctor would rule, just drunk as hell like "yeah u got ghosts in your blood, you should do cocaine about it"
8.
me looking at myself in the mirror
9.
Literally nobody: The media: liberals want to rename the "sun" to the "daughter"!!!!! Somebody's uncle: I'm going to die because of this
10.
Boom boom boom: ⚪️ AAHHH ⚪️ Grrrrrrrr 🔘 boom I want you in my: ⚪️ dungeon ⚪️ sink 🔘 room Let's spend the night: ⚪️ screaming at the moon ⚪️ jousting 🔘 together Wake up and: ⚪️ die ⚪️ yell at birds 🔘 live forever
11.
quick grammar lesson! you’re: you are my: fire the one: desire believe when: i say i want it: that way
12.
[first time trying weed] Am I high yet? I don’t feel high. Guys it’s not working I’m not high. And why the fuck does this wells fargo not sell chex mix
13.
I forgot the word for manicure and asked my mom how her handjob was
14.
[after sex] guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time me: sorry im afraid of the dark
15.
hitman [popping out of my closet]: dear god man. lasagna in bed
16.
If You See Something (a dog wearing a tie), Say Something ("hello handsome").
17.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn't say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
18.
GOD: 8 ANGEL: 9! GOD: We shouldn't do this drunk ANGEL: 10 lol GOD: 15!! ANGEL *mouthful of pizza* 25 GOD: 30!! CENTIPEDE: *tearing up* stop giving me legs, I look stupid GOD: ONE HUNDRED LOL ANGEL: LMAO
19.
my son saw a cemetery and said “that’s where they plant ghosts”
20.
this hotel kindly invites me to decide whether I am BODYGUARD or VAMPIRE
21.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and- sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
22.
Astrology Girls will straight up hit you with their car and say “whoops lol, it’s because I’m a caprisun”
23.
*battlefield turns into a giant orgy* Cupid: sorry sorry, these are the only type of arrows I have