Buzz·Posted on Mar 24, 201923 Joke Tweets That You Need To Laugh At Right This Minute"Hitman [popping out of my closet]: dear god man. lasagna in bed"by Kat AngusBuzzFeed StaffLinkFacebookPinterestTwitterMail 1. Jacy Catlin @ieatanddrink I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do 04:02 AM - 15 Mar 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 2. Jon @ArfMeasures ME: *realises I've just stepped on an ant* oh no JOHN WICK: Has anyone seen my pet ant? ME: OH NO 03:30 PM - 03 Jan 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 3. adam @Adam_Derpin ur telling me a flea runs this market 03:30 PM - 16 Mar 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 4. Molly Fitzpatrick @mollyfitz It puts the lotion on its skin, after it puts on toner and serum, but before it puts on sunscreen—it also started double cleansing recently, which it thinks is going well. 03:47 PM - 16 Mar 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 5. Avant Nard @avantnard socrates: to do is to be plato: to be is to do scooby: do be do 07:29 PM - 13 Mar 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 6. Hyde of this site @screaminbutcalm Me sowing: Haha fuck yeah!!! Yes!! Me reaping: Well this fucking sucks. What the fuck. 09:14 PM - 12 Mar 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 7. Eli Yudin @eliyudin Being an old-timey doctor would rule, just drunk as hell like "yeah u got ghosts in your blood, you should do cocaine about it" 05:03 PM - 16 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 8. ellie🦋 @elliecolemann_ me looking at myself in the mirror 06:50 AM - 08 Mar 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 9. cillian @justchillian_ Literally nobody: The media: liberals want to rename the "sun" to the "daughter"!!!!! Somebody's uncle: I'm going to die because of this 02:14 PM - 25 Dec 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 10. Michael @Home_Halfway Boom boom boom: ⚪️ AAHHH ⚪️ Grrrrrrrr 🔘 boom I want you in my: ⚪️ dungeon ⚪️ sink 🔘 room Let's spend the night: ⚪️ screaming at the moon ⚪️ jousting 🔘 together Wake up and: ⚪️ die ⚪️ yell at birds 🔘 live forever 03:33 PM - 13 Mar 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 11. bee movie stan acc @lgbtseance quick grammar lesson! you’re: you are my: fire the one: desire believe when: i say i want it: that way 10:23 AM - 12 Mar 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 12. the average joe @jazz_inmypants [first time trying weed] Am I high yet? I don’t feel high. Guys it’s not working I’m not high. And why the fuck does this wells fargo not sell chex mix 03:49 PM - 04 Mar 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 13. Tank.Sinatra @GeorgeResch I forgot the word for manicure and asked my mom how her handjob was 12:15 PM - 10 Mar 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 14. dj homophobic barbershop @boyswearmugler [after sex] guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time me: sorry im afraid of the dark 06:39 PM - 18 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 15. andrew @AndrewChamings hitman [popping out of my closet]: dear god man. lasagna in bed 06:32 PM - 21 Feb 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 16. Mark Magark @markedly If You See Something (a dog wearing a tie), Say Something ("hello handsome"). 09:26 PM - 20 Feb 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 17. Chelsea Fagan @Chelsea_Fagan the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn't say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes 07:34 PM - 06 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 18. Jon @ArfMeasures GOD: 8 ANGEL: 9! GOD: We shouldn't do this drunk ANGEL: 10 lol GOD: 15!! ANGEL *mouthful of pizza* 25 GOD: 30!! CENTIPEDE: *tearing up* stop giving me legs, I look stupid GOD: ONE HUNDRED LOL ANGEL: LMAO 12:24 PM - 04 Jun 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 19. Meaghan O'Connell @meaghano my son saw a cemetery and said “that’s where they plant ghosts” 02:36 AM - 18 Feb 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 20. Jennifer Cownie @cownifer this hotel kindly invites me to decide whether I am BODYGUARD or VAMPIRE 03:14 PM - 05 Feb 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 21. Marf @MarfSalvador me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and- sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet 11:15 PM - 11 Feb 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 22. ClifSosa @ClifSosa Astrology Girls will straight up hit you with their car and say “whoops lol, it’s because I’m a caprisun” 05:46 PM - 11 Feb 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 23. Abbie @AbbieEvansXO *battlefield turns into a giant orgy* Cupid: sorry sorry, these are the only type of arrows I have 06:54 PM - 05 Mar 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite