1.
A DOG SHOULD BE ABLE TO PURSUE WHATEVER CAREER IT DAMN WELL WANTS.
2.
[blind date] HER: I'm a ghost writer ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
3.
today i learned a really important life lesson
4.
Waitress says "Say when" when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
5.
Kids who flipped their eyelids back in elementary school are seriel killers today
6.
gaying level: relentless
7.
My apartment's ginkgo tree realized it was November and panicked.
8.
it's NOVEMBER? what's next, DECEMBER? fuck this shit
9.
Why my little sister choose to be the chicken from Moana instead of just being Moana 😐😂❤️
10.
11.
me after i cut my bangs at 3am during a mental breakdown
12.
My boy put hand sanitizer on his desk and tried to cook spam in his dorm
13.
Engineers are the dudes who run the train right? I feel like too many people are majoring in engineering. There's not even that many trains.
14.
Get you a man who can do both
15.
i’m just trying to look at my phone bill and Jessica thinks i’m gassing her up
16.
I told my friend who is living in Japan now to send me the handsomest man of Japan and she didn't let me down
17.
My 5 year-old son said "if a Happy Meal is for kids, then grown-ups must eat Sad Meals" and it was the most real thing I've ever heard.
18.
might go jail so i can focus on gym properly
19.
The Ring (2002)
20.
it's annoying when people hate me for no reason bc there's so many good reasons to hate me just like pick one
21.
julius caesar (dying after being stabbed 23 times): please…name a salad after me
22.
Oh my gosh we really don’t deserve my mom. All she wanted to do was spell out love in our family pictures. She had… https://t.co/o1nW6jD25q
23.
college squirrels are so different than normal squirrels
24.
25.
friend: can i ask for ur advice on something me (have never made a decision that didn't fuck me over for months afterward): yes absolutely
26.
OH MY GOD
27.
