1.
me: [selects "send verification code as text" on a website] me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
2.
white ppl love to use the bathroom before leaving a restaurant and come out shaking their hands dry saying “ready to rock and roll??”
3.
Anyone who doesn't keep their email in the leftmost tab is a cop
4.
Idk if it’s just me but a free T-shirt can motivate me to do basically anything
5.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
6.
i don’t even open my front facing camera anymore what i look like is none of my business
7.
Who are we? SINGLE YOUNG PROFESSIONALS What do we want? FOR PERISHABLE GROCERIES TO BE SOLD IN SMALLER PORTION SIZES
8.
i get so mad when people ask what i’m gonna do on my day off!!!! bitch i’m gonna recover from all my days on
9.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea but you know what else there is? Trash. There is a lot of trash in the sea.
10.
The "It's only $5, why not buy it" mentality has probably cost me like $10,000 at this point in my life.
11.
IF A BABY HANDS YOU A FAKE PHONE YOU BETTER ANSWER THAT SHIT
12.
My debit card feels more like a gift card...not sure how much is on this, but we’ll give it a try
13.
actually the class system in america is: - never been to disney - went to disney once or twice - goes to disney annually
14.
When someone sits in the empty seat beside you: flattered yet annoyed When no one sits in the empty seat beside you: offended yet relieved
15.
It’s like ... you WANT long hair but short hair is so in and trendy rn. But every time you have short hair you want long hair, and when you have long hair you have this wild desire to just CHOP IT ALL OFF. Anyway, have a good day.
16.
You know how when you're a fast walker and the guy ahead of you is fast too but only 90% as fast as you, so you MUST pass him, but to pass him you have to walk comically faster than your normal speed, or else you'll be in his personal space too long as you pass? That's annoying.
17.
a tragedy: when your hair-wash cycle doesn't coordinate w/ an event & you overestimate the amount of time in which your hair can last w/o being washed
18.
Dude I’m the worst when it comes to packing for trips. Like I know I won't need 20 pairs of underwear for a 5 day trip but what if I pee my pants twice every single day I'm there
19.
Me with my hair straightened & me with my natural hair are two different people
20.
you either unpack ur luggage immediately when you get home or you do it 10 weeks later. no in-between.
21.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time* Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
22.
If you drive past horses and don’t say “horses” you’re a psychopath
23.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones. Me, who hasn't taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*