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    31 Tweets About Being Single

    "Sometimes I wonder if I'm pregnant, and then I realize I would have to be like 19 months pregnant."

    1.

    There’s plenty of fish in the sea but you know what else there is? Trash. There is a lot of trash in the sea.

    2.

    My dogs are all “Girl, you are awesome. Why are you single?” And I’m all “Probably because I have conversations with my dogs, dudes.”

    3.

    *gets into a relationship* This is bad *becomes single* Hmm this is bad too *looks in a mirror* Oh I see the problem now

    4.

    Being 30 and single is like being at a petting zoo that just has tarantulas and feral cats.

    5.

    Who are we? SINGLE YOUNG PROFESSIONALS What do we want? FOR PERISHABLE GROCERIES TO BE SOLD IN SMALLER PORTION SIZES

    6.

    COACHES DON’T PLAY. https://t.co/fwOWlRc2ta

    7.

    Valentine's Day plan: 1. Breakfast in bed 2. Chocolates 3. Watch movie 4. Dinner for two. 5. Regret eating two dinners. 6. Cry alone.

    8.

    Sometimes I wonder if I'm pregnant and then I realize I would have to be like 19 months pregnant

    9.

    Being single is cool bc you can eat a whole jar of pepperoncinis and spend the rest of the night farting spicily into the abyss

    10.

    Gather 'round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides

    11.

    12.

    so if i spend my time eating cheese, watching Netflix, n having orgasms alone, i'm 'depressed', but if someone else is there i'm 'in love' ?

    13.

    [me as a DJ] Where my single ladies at? *drunk responses* This one's for you *turns off music, serious tone* This is a bad place to meet men

    14.

    Someone asked me if I'm ever scared that I'll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my dog was RIGHT THERE.

    15.

    Love is never having to say you're sorry. Being single is never having to say you're sorry for sleeping diagonally.

    16.

    Dr: what are you using for birth control? Me: Just who I am as a person

    17.

    Saw a couple holding hands while jogging and it made me hopeful that one day I will meet someone who will hate them with me.

    18.

    9 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.

    19.

    single but i’m still unavailable.

    20.

    So I’m @ the bank waiting in line & the guy in front of me is spitting game to the teller, she’s laughing & he’s attractive so I can tell she’s digging it, he asks her if he can take her out and she says “with what? The whole $11.96 you got in your account?” SON, my chest 😭

    21.

    me realizing i have a crush on someone

    22.

    23.

    When a friend asks me when was the last time I got laid

    24.

    A lot of being single and living alone is learning to keep the place nice "for you," and "the people who would find your body if you died."

    25.

    Valentine's Day really separates the men from the boys, and then separates me from both of them in a third location

    26.

    Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

    27.

    so crazy to think about how my future significant other is currently out there, in the world, wondering why they have no arms or legs or body at all and no conscience because they don’t actually exist and i’m gonna be alone forever

    28.

    Being single is the best. So much time to do what you want. Think and reflect. Stare into the void and try to remember what touch felt like.

    29.

    You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

    30.

    My self-esteem is holding steady at "this guy is too hot to be hitting on me, probably wants to rob me."

    31.

    ME: im sick of being single FRIEND: want me to set u up with someone? ME: absolutely not, i'd have to put on pants & talk. no thank u

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