1.
therapist: describe this picture me: that’s my father yelling at me therapist: and this one me: you having sex with my wife therapist: and this one me: aren’t these normally ink blots
2.
MY MAN: (comes home) ME: (nervous) how was the store MY MAN: fine ME: oh thank g — MY MAN: ran into jolene ME: oh no MY MAN: she mentioned you left kind of an intense voicemail
3.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop's are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
4.
PETER PAN: we meet again, Captain Hook CAPTAIN HOOK: well well well-- wait u guys call me Hook? PETER PAN: yeah CAPTAIN HOOK: because of the hand? PETER PAN: ...i'm sorr- CAPTAIN HOOK: wow ok hey my dads dead too why not call me captain dead dad
5.
me: did you steal my thesaurus horse: nope
6.
most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
7.
Date: I love car chase action scenes Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we're done here
8.
*shipwrecked diary* Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab Day 2: I have married the crab. Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
9.
me: any historical figure? wizard: that’s right [later at dinner] Beethoven: you seem disappointed me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
10.
Take a shower??? Oh... do you mean GET PISSED ON BY MY OWN HOUSE??? No thanks.
11.
It’s called synesthesia, maybe you’ve tasted it
12.
How do you know if someone is hitchhiking or just complimenting your driving?
13.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff? shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
14.
[clown college commencement] what you’ve accomplished here today… *hushed murmur* is no small feet *clowns go fuckin nuts*
15.
"ladies and gentlemen" ❌ unnecessarily gendered ❌ overly formal ❌ lengthy ❌ honestly i'm already dozing off "cowards" ✔️inclusive to all genders ✔️casual and fun ✔️short and to the point ✔️exciting and dynamic
16.
ME: honey, it's really muggy out today WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
17.
[the invention of knocking] i'm gonna punch your house until you talk to me
18.
wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife
19.
I don't understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What's next, more things?? That's how they get you
20.
[nodding my head to the beat] kinda catchy isn't it [doctor taking stethoscope off my chest] it shouldn't be
21.
ZOO GUIDE: Careful, the llamas spit ME: Haha ok LLAMA: Step off son don't cry to mama, skeet skeet your new daddy's a llama ME: Holy shit
22.
*tightens straps on electric chair* Any last words? -I think male oysters should be called boysters Omg will someone throw the damn switch
23.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
24.
Oh hi Becky who refused to kiss me during spin the bottle in 6th grade & now wants to play FarmVille, looks like tables have fucking turned
25.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
26.
romeo she's alive dude juliet is alive oh god he has airpods in he cant hear me oh god oh fuck
27.
SOCRATES: I am wiser than this man; he fancies he knows something, although he knows nothing— DARRYL, SOCRATES' FRIEND: fuck him up socrates