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27 Hilarious Tweets That Are Guaranteed To Make You Burst Out Laughing

"It's called synesthesia, maybe you've tasted it."


therapist: describe this picture me: that’s my father yelling at me therapist: and this one me: you having sex with my wife therapist: and this one me: aren’t these normally ink blots


MY MAN: (comes home) ME: (nervous) how was the store MY MAN: fine ME: oh thank g — MY MAN: ran into jolene ME: oh no MY MAN: she mentioned you left kind of an intense voicemail


the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop's are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop


PETER PAN: we meet again, Captain Hook CAPTAIN HOOK: well well well-- wait u guys call me Hook? PETER PAN: yeah CAPTAIN HOOK: because of the hand? PETER PAN: ...i'm sorr- CAPTAIN HOOK: wow ok hey my dads dead too why not call me captain dead dad


me: did you steal my thesaurus horse: nope


most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns


Date: I love car chase action scenes Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we're done here


*shipwrecked diary* Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab Day 2: I have married the crab. Day 3: I have eaten my wife.


me: any historical figure? wizard: that’s right [later at dinner] Beethoven: you seem disappointed me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine


Take a shower??? Oh... do you mean GET PISSED ON BY MY OWN HOUSE??? No thanks.


It’s called synesthesia, maybe you’ve tasted it


How do you know if someone is hitchhiking or just complimenting your driving?


me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff? shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good


[clown college commencement] what you’ve accomplished here today… *hushed murmur* is no small feet *clowns go fuckin nuts*


"ladies and gentlemen" ❌ unnecessarily gendered ❌ overly formal ❌ lengthy ❌ honestly i'm already dozing off "cowards" ✔️inclusive to all genders ✔️casual and fun ✔️short and to the point ✔️exciting and dynamic


ME: honey, it's really muggy out today WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u ME: *sips coffee from bowl*


[the invention of knocking] i'm gonna punch your house until you talk to me


wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife


I don't understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What's next, more things?? That's how they get you


[nodding my head to the beat] kinda catchy isn't it [doctor taking stethoscope off my chest] it shouldn't be


ZOO GUIDE: Careful, the llamas spit ME: Haha ok LLAMA: Step off son don't cry to mama, skeet skeet your new daddy's a llama ME: Holy shit


*tightens straps on electric chair* Any last words? -I think male oysters should be called boysters Omg will someone throw the damn switch


The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.


Oh hi Becky who refused to kiss me during spin the bottle in 6th grade & now wants to play FarmVille, looks like tables have fucking turned


hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it


romeo she's alive dude juliet is alive oh god he has airpods in he cant hear me oh god oh fuck


SOCRATES: I am wiser than this man; he fancies he knows something, although he knows nothing— DARRYL, SOCRATES' FRIEND: fuck him up socrates

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