1.
Mother: can you please fix my computer Me: *leans back in chair* well... well ... well ... if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
2.
3.
Dude I’m the worst when it comes to packing for trips. Like I know I won't need 20 pairs of underwear for a 5 day trip but what if I pee my pants twice every single day I'm there
4.
My sister is dating a guy named trey so every time I see him I wish him good luck at his basketball game tomorrow and every time he tells me he doesn't play basketball and doesn't know why I keep saying that
5.
Me: can I get a Coke IHOB Waiter: is bepsi okay
6.
Im a 20 year old Interior decorator from Oregon Help me by Retweeting my next client might be out there 😭👋🤗🙌
7.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
8.
If sex is so good howcome they ain’t make a sex 2?
9.
[as firefighters arrive to help me out of the baby swing] hey guys
10.
new lacroix flavors! -transported in a truck near bananas -hint of hint of lime -single skittle dissolved in water -shy watermelon -imagine like, a strawberry but with low battery
11.
someone called Country Music "Farm Emo" and now I can't unhear that
12.
(second date) me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
13.
honestly 🙈👀 getting pregnant is so dumb 😂😂😂🙄 like just don't eat the baby lol 😏🤔😂😂😂
14.
me driving: “i’ll hit you bitch” me walking: “hit me bitch”
15.
*demon tries to inhabit my body* Demon: OUCH Me: yeah... Demon: WHAT THE HELL Me: I know Demon: EVERYTHING HURTS, WHY?? AND WHATS WRONG WITH THIS SHOULDER??? Me: idk man, can I offer you a mint?
16.
The way my dog eats watermelon is everything 😂
17.
GOD: 8 ANGEL: 9! GOD: We shouldn't do this drunk ANGEL: 10 lol GOD: 15!! ANGEL *mouthful of pizza* 25 GOD: 30!! CENTIPEDE: *tearing up* stop giving me legs, I look stupid GOD: ONE HUNDRED LOL ANGEL: LMAO
18.
brother no
19.
this morning at 7eleven i saw a woman slip a donut onto her own finger and mutter “look who’s married now, mom”
20.
i am: ⚪️ straight ⚪️ gay ⚪️ bi 🔘 pregant? 🔘 pragnent? 🔘 pargant? 🔘 gregnant? 🔘 pegnate?? Help!? 🔘 pegrent? 🔘 pregegnant? 🔘 pregonate? 🔘 prengan? 🔘 prregnant???? 🔘 can u get pregante...? 🔘 pergert? 🔘 will my get pragnan? 🔘 if a women has starch masks
21.
Retweet if you don’t scream at the top of your lungs every time someone walks past your house, I’m trying to prove a point to my dog.
22.
me, seeing a raccoon: oh aren’t u a handsome trash boi the handsome raccoon: charges at me at full speed me, screaming and sprinting away: ur still handsome, mad garbage man
23.
Monday: Greg Tuesday: Ian Wednesday: Greg Thursday: Ian Friday: Greg Gregorian Calendar.
24.
[doing group photography] ME: now let me take one without the flash THE FLASH: what the- REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let's hear him out
25.
I just have a hard time understanding polyamorous relationships. Like, how’d you get more than 1 person to like you? That’s not a thing.
26.
i like big butts and i cannot lie, my brother also likes big butts and cannot tell the truth, how will you escape our dungeon
27.
as a child i thought i'd have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life