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15 Animals That Will Make You Say, "Not Today, Satan”

NOPE NOPE NOPE.

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1. Sarcastic fringehead

https://www.flickr.com/photos/nathaninsandiego/25926785346/

This fish tricks you into thinking it's just a normal, ugly fish. Then its face goes all Predator on you, and your last thought before you die is how you wish Alien Vs. Predator had been a better movie.

2. Amblypygi

https://www.flickr.com/photos/theactionitems/9655306190/

Hey! Let's combine a spider with a scorpion to make a single NNNNNNNOOOOOOPE. These things hunt at night — you know, when you're asleep. And vulnerable.

3. Cthulhu larva

http://imgur.com/gallery/5KkkHxO
http://imgur.com/gallery/5KkkHxO

Also known as Scotoplanes, sea pigs, or, in my mind, "fuck right off please, fuckity bye." Cthulhu larva eat by extracting food particles from the ocean floor, but nothing will convince me that these things won't suck my brain out if given the chance.

4. Goblin shark

http://fishesofaustralia.net.au/home/species/3254

You'll say, "Ha ha, you stupid shark, I'm too far away for you to bite me!" And the goblin shark with its protrusible jaw is like, "THINK AGAIN, FOOL."

5. Giant centipede

https://www.flickr.com/photos/kateyaeger/6809847255/sizes/l

They eat snakes, lizards, bats, frogs, mice, and small birds. If you find one of these in your house, I'm sorry, but it's the centipede's house now.

6. Promachoteuthis sulcus

http://imgur.com/gallery/yIOLnpS
http://imgur.com/gallery/yIOLnpS

IT'S A SQUID WITH GODDAMN, MOTHER-EFFING TEETH.

7. Star-nosed mole

https://www.flickr.com/photos/54397539@N06/5153972000/
https://www.flickr.com/photos/52684927@N04/4873805929/

Just imagine the mole using their "touch organ" (ew) to just lightly dab at your face (ewwww). OK, but seriously, this is really the monster from Stranger Things, right?

8. Deep-sea hatchetfish

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sternoptychidae#/media/File:ArgyropelecusAculeatus.jpg

They're called hatchetfish because their bodies are shaped like hatchets, and it's probably a better name than "soul-eating fish of the damned." Guys, Ursula's garden from The Little Mermaid is REAL.

9. Wrinkle-faced bat

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wrinkle-faced_bat#/media/File:Centurio_senex.jpg
https://www.flickr.com/photos/wildlifewanderer/16837241065/

Even Dracula would take a look at these fruit-eating bats and be like, "NO THANK YOU, GOODBYE."

10. Barreleye fish

This fish's head is frickin' see-through. You can just... see... right in there. Oh, and those two black dots that you think are their eyes? THOSE ARE THEIR "SMELL ORGANS." Their eyes are the green orbs inside their head, because, remember, THE FISH'S HEAD IS SEE-THROUGH.

11. Snub-nosed monkey

https://www.flickr.com/photos/jackhynes/4229222035/
https://www.flickr.com/photos/cactusbeetroot/6651079131/

Scientists may claim these monkeys' noses evolved to protect against frostbite, but I'm not fooled: That's fucking Voldemort.

12. Fangtooth fish

https://www.flickr.com/photos/farhaven/7322719596/
https://www.flickr.com/photos/suda/3601248236/

These toothy nightmares live deep down in the ocean, and their teeth-to-body ratio is the biggest of any fish known to man. THE BETTER TO TASTE YOU WITH, MY DEAR.

13. Giant isopod

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Giant_isopod#/media/File:Bathynomus_giganteus.jpg
https://www.flickr.com/photos/spilt-milk/7006795494/

They're the gigantic ocean relatives of the woodlice, and they can live for years without light or food. That's because they're only fueled by one thing: REVENGE.

14. Wolf spider

https://www.flickr.com/photos/patrick_k59/15172583299/

Don't even think about trying to squish a wolf spider, because all of those little, pulsating spots on the spider's back? THOSE ARE HUNDREDS OF WOLF SPIDER BABIES. Gggyyyyeaahahhh.

15. And finally, I have two words for you: PENIS SNAKE.

Matt Roper

The official name is Atretochoana eiselti, and these guys are actually not penises or snakes — they're legless amphibians who breathe through their skin. But "penis snake" is just a way better description, isn't it?

Sleep well tonight, kiddos.

Comedy Central / Via southpark.cc.com
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