1.
[at wife's office party] wife: don't show anybody your tattoo of ratatouille me: [to her boss, immediately] wanna see my ratattooie
2.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start BATMAN: check the battery ROBIN: what’s a tery
3.
wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife
4.
5.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium] wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
6.
The inventor of weightlifting chalk must be rubbing his hands
7.
date: So what do you do? me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I'm a taxidermist date: Oh wow fox: and a ventriloquist
8.
"I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle" he moped
9.
🚗 <- dis a homie _______________ |___|___|___|___| <- dis a lot |___|___|___|___| |___|___|___|___| |___|___|___|_… https://t.co/CV0EyRdvPJ
10.
They needed three Back to the Future movies so they could cover life’s three great concerns: one’s birth, one’s future legacy, and cowboy
11.
How much for the horse tornado? Sir, that's a carousel. I must have it.
12.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
13.
PRIEST: Do you take Florence to be your wife? THE MACHINE: I do PRIEST: Does anyone have anything- RAGE: [from the back] I'M AGAINST THIS
14.
[alternate universe where jesus christ's name was jeffy spaghetti] ME: *hears some horrible news* jeffy spaghetti
15.
WIFE: the kitchen is burning to the ground! we have to call the fire marshall! ME [to the fire]: MARSHALL! STOP BURNING MY KITCHEN
16.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out] Dammit [bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out] DAMMIT
17.
and im falling asleep and she calling a cab while he's having a smoke and hes also a crab
18.
Dr: I was going to ask if you were sexually active but- Me [wearing hot dog costume]: but what
19.
who is cyber bullying my son
20.
Why can not I stop laughing at this
21.
Here is a list of things that are invisible: 1) 2) 3) 4) 5) 6)
22.
WOLVERINE'S DAD: Son do you know why I named you Wolverine WOLVERINE: No, father WOLVERINE'S DAD: It is because my name is Wolverine's Dad
23.
I'm pissed off.