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23 Tweets Guaranteed To Make You Laugh If You Have A Dumb Sense Of Humor

"What do you mean I didn’t win? I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else."

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1.

[at wife's office party] wife: don't show anybody your tattoo of ratatouille me: [to her boss, immediately] wanna see my ratattooie

2.

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start BATMAN: check the battery ROBIN: what’s a tery

3.

wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife

4.

5.

[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium] wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent

6.

The inventor of weightlifting chalk must be rubbing his hands

7.

date: So what do you do? me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I'm a taxidermist date: Oh wow fox: and a ventriloquist

8.

"I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle" he moped

9.

🚗 <- dis a homie _______________ |___|___|___|___| <- dis a lot |___|___|___|___| |___|___|___|___| |___|___|___|_… https://t.co/CV0EyRdvPJ

10.

They needed three Back to the Future movies so they could cover life’s three great concerns: one’s birth, one’s future legacy, and cowboy

11.

How much for the horse tornado? Sir, that's a carousel. I must have it.

12.

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

13.

PRIEST: Do you take Florence to be your wife? THE MACHINE: I do PRIEST: Does anyone have anything- RAGE: [from the back] I'M AGAINST THIS

14.

[alternate universe where jesus christ's name was jeffy spaghetti] ME: *hears some horrible news* jeffy spaghetti

15.

WIFE: the kitchen is burning to the ground! we have to call the fire marshall! ME [to the fire]: MARSHALL! STOP BURNING MY KITCHEN

16.

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out] Dammit [bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out] DAMMIT

17.

and im falling asleep and she calling a cab while he's having a smoke and hes also a crab

18.

Dr: I was going to ask if you were sexually active but- Me [wearing hot dog costume]: but what

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21.

Here is a list of things that are invisible: 1) 2) 3) 4) 5) 6)

22.

WOLVERINE'S DAD: Son do you know why I named you Wolverine WOLVERINE: No, father WOLVERINE'S DAD: It is because my name is Wolverine's Dad

23.

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