1.
[Plato returns from the dead] Plato: so who's that girl, are you together? Me: nah, it's purely platonic. Plato: ...what does platonic mean? Me: it means we don't have sex. Plato: what the fuck
2.
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SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
4.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary] Narrator: ...the mink, a close relative of the weasel Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
5.
My "Not involved in human trafficking" T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
6.
[being chased by killer] ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
7.
[wakes up with a hangover] uhh what happened last night [Carrot Top in bed beside me] Good morning [Me] Carrot Top my love, what happened
8.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine LAYLA: I love that ME: And you mine THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
9.
A girl was born with a harmonica instead of vocal chords and when she cried it filled the room with a melody so sweet. “Make her cry more!” The villagers would shout. “Throw trash at her and lets jig, baby!” “HWAaangGG” she’d reply.
10.
Therapist: what's upsetting you? Wife: he's always using common phrases incorrectly Me: cry me a table, Linda
11.
SOCRATES: I am wiser than this man; he fancies he knows something, although he knows nothing— DARRYL, SOCRATES' FRIEND: fuck him up socrates
12.
At Jonestown, 906 cultists died of drinking poisoned Kool-Aid, as well as the first officer on the scene, Jeff "Don't Mind If I Do" Ramirez.
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[mid to late 13th century] me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] "everybody listen up this is a robbery"
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[my funeral service] my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i'd like to apologise to everyone here once again
15.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
16.
"yeah of course I can paint your ceiling." Michelangelo scoffed to himself, "gonna paint a bunch of dudes with they dick outs on it tho"
17.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines] Me: is that good
18.
[Date] waiter: what would you like to have? me: bring a milkshake with two straws date: *smiles* me: *puts both the straws in my mouth* look how fast I can drink
19.
"Hmmm, ah, yesofcourse. *single clap* That is superb. You, ah. HA! Yes, well." - Jeff Goldblum orgasming.
20.
me: *cums inside her* her: you idiot, I’m possibly pregnant now me: hi possibly pregnant, I’m... in unison: OH NO
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[being buried alive] murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
22.
koala: i want to eat leaf euaclyptus leaf: no dont eat me im worthless koala: no i want leaf! eucalyptus leaf: i'll poison u koala: i will specifically evolve to eat leaf eucalyptus leaf: i literally have no nutritional value koala: ｌｅｆａ
23.
"Boop" - Zebra walking past a self service checkout.
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Baby giraffes can walk within minutes of birth but sure, show me more photos of your infant doing nothing, Carol.
25.
We're a modest company with modest goals: 1: sell a quality product at a fair price 2: drain the world's oceans so we can find and kill god
26.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat "so sorry so sorry" and keep moving forward.
27.
Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba
28.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
29.
Hello, oh you don't have a ramp I guess, okay well lets talk in the driveway my name is Professor X and I run a school for monster babies
30.
THE INVENTION OF PEPPERS Plant: UGH I'm tired of these hairy weirdos who eat the flesh and not the seeds! I'm going to make my fruits EXQUISITELY PAINFUL for non-birds! Human, eating: ouch! Plant: nice! Human, continuing to eat peppers: haha ouch! Plant: hey hey hey hey HEY WHAT
31.
First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.
32.
The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.
33.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
34.
me when i wake up vs. when i’m finally ready to go out
35.
me: hi do you take walk-ins the morgue: what
36.
*bursts into starbucks* Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET Barista: yeah over there Me: oh thank god *plugs in a mechanical bull*
37.
doctor: [handing me my new born baby] I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it me: [handing baby back to him] bring me the one my wife made
38.
[first day as a bartender] Customer: I'll have a martini, dry Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don't know how to tell you this
39.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it's called self care
40.
How much for the horse tornado? Sir, that's a carousel. I must have it.
41.
[the invention of knocking] i'm gonna punch your house until you talk to me
42.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks? SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
43.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test ME: ok COP: lets get taco bell ME: no COP: text ur ex ME: no COP: ok ur good
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[shoving glitter glue and felt pens back into my bag, visibly upset] ok look all I'm saying is maybe you guys shouldn't have called it a 'craft brewery' because people are gonna get the wrong idea and lemme tell you Karen this has been a big let down
46.
my dad once said "do what you hate first thing in the morning to get it out of the way" then 2 mos later called me on my birthday at 6am
47.
FOUNDER OF HOGWARTS: okay, so we all know there are four types of kid. brave, smart, evil and miscellaneous. SCHOOL BOARD: yes, continue.
48.
me: any historical figure? wizard: that’s right [later at dinner] Beethoven: you seem disappointed me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
49.
[concert] SINGER: hows everyone doin tonight CROWD: woo ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): it's actually been a tough few months
50.
Me: I used to get joy from twitter but now it makes me upset. Therapist: what if you just didn’t use it anymore? Me: not sure I understand