Buzz·Posted on Aug 7, 201827 Tweets That I Promise Will Make You Laugh, Even When Everything Else Sucks"My mom has a podcast, but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail."by Kat AngusBuzzFeed StaffLinkFacebookPinterestTwitterMail 1. AMAB ROCKY @bizmichael They’re called werewolves. 10:12 PM - 22 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 2. continent creator @roombahacker he was a trader joe she said see you later joe 12:15 AM - 01 Aug 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 3. garbage @sugarfoot34 *using Ouija board* "hello, is there anyone there" *Y* *O* *U* *U* *U* *U* "ah damnit this is a Soulja board* 07:29 PM - 20 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 4. Matthew Gaydos @MatthewGaydos But what if Venom had eyes? 10:55 PM - 01 Aug 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 5. Lil G-Pug @gogglepossum Sad to see the remaining members for daft punk hunted for sport 03:37 PM - 02 Aug 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 6. Maddy Smith @somaddysmith transition lenses are the cargo shorts of the face 03:34 PM - 31 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 7. 8. Josee🍒 @xvjosee I’ll never be cuffed cause cuffed spelled backward is deffuc and ion know what deffuc i look like settling down with you hoes 07:54 PM - 24 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 9. Ryan @Integrity_Guy You're allowed to steal shit from the mall. The security guards don't care. They're there to shoot the mannequins if they come to life. 02:33 PM - 10 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 10. Tomasz Łakomy @tlakomy My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer. 06:36 PM - 27 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 11. abe broman @penis_hernandez when you ask how a white person is doing and they say "livin the dream" thats code for "every morning i wake up wishing i was dead" 04:06 PM - 30 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 12. Annie McGrath @AnnieMcTweet This is forty five bags of spinach 11:37 AM - 26 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 13. My name is Grant @Gen_Ironicus All I want is *gunshot* *gunshot* *cash register noise* A desk farther from the foley studio *footsteps on gravel* *clock chimes* *sword unsheathing* 03:36 PM - 24 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 14. cory @_coryrichardson [holding my new born son] me: he’s beautiful doctor: we’re gonna have to give him some shots me: oh hell yeah pour up it’s his fucking birthday 08:30 PM - 24 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 15. Katie @katie_bilotta USPS tracking: 1. We’re not sure it exists yet 2. It’s arrived 04:41 PM - 24 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 16. pacing @QGotNoRings Batman: I must save this city. Alfred: Well you're a billionaire so maybe redistr- Batman: This bat suit is the only way. 06:56 PM - 24 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 17. Lauren Chanel Allen @MichelleHux dating me is like biting into an oatmeal raisin cookie and realizing it’s chocolate chip and then realizing two hours later it was also an edible 07:57 PM - 23 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 18. sluts_2017 @pigeoncrap “so do your tattoos have any meaning?” yes they do , and the meaning is that i am cool 04:05 AM - 20 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 19. viking @NOTVIKING me: what do you want for dinner? date: how about sonic me: [under breath] he’s so fast how would we catch him 09:25 PM - 21 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 20. Abbie @AbbieEvansXO Me: *covers foot with blanket* Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway* Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin 06:56 PM - 19 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 21. Smoth @Skinny_fatbloke If you're best man at your mates second wedding, after being best man at the first, is it ok to start my speech with "Welcome back everyone"?? 08:04 AM - 18 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 22. Dan Duvall @lazerdoov My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail 12:35 AM - 17 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 23. rat mic @trolldiergirl *Thanksgiving dinner 2080* Me (has dementia): this turkey has big dick energy My great-grandson: bro what the fuck 03:40 AM - 12 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 24. Elvish Presley @_ElvishPresley_ judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth me: no judge: [covers mic] what do I do 02:04 PM - 11 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 25. rodney copperbottom @oledominguez Almost left the grocery store without buying a bag of spring mix to throw, unopened, into the garbage in two weeks 09:30 PM - 09 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 26. Hayes Brown @HayesBrown GOD: [designing marsupials] ok ok. are u ready for this one? GOD: [holds up kangaroo] LOOK AT IT. ANGEL: stop. i can't. GOD: And... ANGEL: ??? GOD: IT'S GOT POCKETS ANGEL: STOP. WHAT. 02:31 PM - 05 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 27. Colette @colettelverity you: dick pics me, an intellectual: richard pictures 10:16 PM - 28 Jun 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite