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27 Tweets That I Promise Will Make You Laugh, Even When Everything Else Sucks

"My mom has a podcast, but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail."

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he was a trader joe she said see you later joe


*using Ouija board* "hello, is there anyone there" *Y* *O* *U* *U* *U* *U* "ah damnit this is a Soulja board*



Sad to see the remaining members for daft punk hunted for sport


transition lenses are the cargo shorts of the face



I’ll never be cuffed cause cuffed spelled backward is deffuc and ion know what deffuc i look like settling down with you hoes


You're allowed to steal shit from the mall. The security guards don't care. They're there to shoot the mannequins if they come to life.


My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.


when you ask how a white person is doing and they say "livin the dream" thats code for "every morning i wake up wishing i was dead"



All I want is *gunshot* *gunshot* *cash register noise* A desk farther from the foley studio *footsteps on gravel* *clock chimes* *sword unsheathing*


[holding my new born son] me: he’s beautiful doctor: we’re gonna have to give him some shots me: oh hell yeah pour up it’s his fucking birthday


USPS tracking: 1. We’re not sure it exists yet 2. It’s arrived


Batman: I must save this city. Alfred: Well you're a billionaire so maybe redistr- Batman: This bat suit is the only way.


dating me is like biting into an oatmeal raisin cookie and realizing it’s chocolate chip and then realizing two hours later it was also an edible


“so do your tattoos have any meaning?” yes they do , and the meaning is that i am cool


me: what do you want for dinner? date: how about sonic me: [under breath] he’s so fast how would we catch him


Me: *covers foot with blanket* Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway* Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin


If you're best man at your mates second wedding, after being best man at the first, is it ok to start my speech with "Welcome back everyone"??


My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail


*Thanksgiving dinner 2080* Me (has dementia): this turkey has big dick energy My great-grandson: bro what the fuck


judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth me: no judge: [covers mic] what do I do


Almost left the grocery store without buying a bag of spring mix to throw, unopened, into the garbage in two weeks


GOD: [designing marsupials] ok ok. are u ready for this one? GOD: [holds up kangaroo] LOOK AT IT. ANGEL: stop. i can't. GOD: And... ANGEL: ??? GOD: IT'S GOT POCKETS ANGEL: STOP. WHAT.


you: dick pics me, an intellectual: richard pictures

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