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Just got Ed Sheeran’s new album
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Black Mirror (2017)
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im prankin this guy as if im sending nudes but in reality...im literally typing “Attachment: 1 Image”
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why is everyone complaining about the coachella lineup this year?
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Date: maybe go easy on the salt *i stand up so i can see over my pile of salt* Me: but what if there's a slug in… https://t.co/IkRPV1AuHk
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Millenials. Walking around like they rent the place.
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if your zodiac sign is asparagus dont even bother being my friend because im a caprisun and we are not compatible
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[assigning roles] god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth sun: sounds good god: and the moon shall make tiny… https://t.co/znrIfChUwG
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blacksmith: i'm almost done with this sword i just have to work out the kinks sword: i like feet blacksmith: shut up
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"I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle" he moped
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mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. je… https://t.co/O0GUAXhdlB
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Well Lauren’s a blithering idiot then, isn’t she?
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I hate when my Touch ID doesn’t work on my phone like c’mon you already know it’s me with a little chicken tenders grease
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[degrasse tyson voice] if the moon did hit your eye, like a big pizza pie or otherwise, you'd be crushed instantly
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He thinks this painting is a window
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“Per my last e-mail” is office speak for “bitch can you read”
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2nd grade girl sleepover: "shhh okay let's actually go to sleep" *quiet for a minute* the annoying friend: *sta… https://t.co/l2fP8lo8wW
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I’m convinced homegoods and tjmaxx put some sort of shit in their air system to make you mentally unstable. like do… https://t.co/4MGkNuWR0s
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me: in 2018 i’m gonna stop agreeing to things i don’t want to do 😌🌱 random person: hey wanna come to my nieces hai… https://t.co/E884n9BoX4
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closure isn’t real just cut your hair and pretend it didn’t happen
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My body count is 2 if by body count you mean the number of fish that have died under my supervision in the last 3 d… https://t.co/4v8fXJThr2
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left: I’m just a porg boy nobody loves me Right: HE’S JUST A PORG BOY FROM A PORG FAMILY SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM T… https://t.co/BySmGIQS4Z
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YO i’m way too high.......... if you work at a farm & your job is to take care of the chickens, you are a chicken tender wow
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