1.
i've found if you say "well well well" as soon as someone sits down across from you, you immediately get the upper hand for about 2 seconds.
2.
She cried doing what she loved: eating
3.
Sailors: "Brandy, ur a fine girl, what a good wife u would be, but my life, my love, my l--" Brandy: "I'm at work. Do u want a beer or not."
4.
Nutritionist: You cannot survive on soft pretzels Me: Watch this
5.
Entrepreneur: noun, an unemployed man on Bumble
6.
How you doin' lil' mama Let me whisper in ya ear Tell ya somethin' that ya might like to hear Got a sexy ass body a… https://t.co/9Ykmv49RIj
7.
*at my funeral* Friend crying over my casket: look they're burying her in her favorite dress Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
8.
I'm not a complicated woman When I watch GLOW, I want them to kiss Also true for all other women on tv
9.
I just ate a corned beef hash at 3:15am like some sort of fucking legend.
10.
My boyfriempt just threw me into the pool so hard I went thru the cement bottom and now am in the earth. Ugh Brian!!!! Jerk!!!! Ha ha
11.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
12.
"Oh my god, that picture you took of the fireworks looked SO good." - no one
13.
Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a man's patriarchy
14.
Holy shit he's mansplaining mansplaining! It's like mansplaining inception! https://t.co/Nd5Fob1CAN
15.
i need a sugar daddy to buy me a pick up truck and then leave me alone forever
16.
If a friend in another state asks "is it a full moon where you are too?" I can't be friends with them right?
17.
Look at this appalled seal.
18.
My least favorite people are the ones that try to talk for my cat & use the wrong voice & have him call me "mama".
19.
an old lady at the register gave me this yesterday so i guess i don't have to be verified on twitter