1.
To my teenage self: one day you will keep a rectangle of glass in your pocket that only brings you bad news.
2.
ACCIDENTALLY PASTED THIS INTO AN EMAIL INSTEAD OF MY E-SIGNATURE, AND IN MY PANIC TO DELETE IT MANAGED TO SEND IT.… https://t.co/T5jgDIRohZ
3.
celebrating the life of hugh hefner by... coercing a buxom 19 year old into living with me, i guess
4.
Oh I get it, we just gather them all onto a boat and leave in the middle of the lake for the rest of eternity. Bril… https://t.co/ujPY8Ijdiz
5.
So no one told you you were Dr. Frasier Crane Your job is talking on the phone to the insane
6.
Always get confused about how to dress for Yom Kippur services. I guess "upbeat funeral" is how to go.
7.
di—did the cat write this
8.
A homeless man just told me I looked like Kate Hudson and YES he had visible cataracts but I will NOT let u ruin this for me!!!!!!
9.
Never could've guessed in our country's divorce, that the left would get custody of football
10.
me after reading two tweets that were longer than 140 characters
11.
Kylie Jenner pregnant RIGHT before the 10-year Kardashian anniversary. I tell ya, the Devil works but Kris Jenner works harder.
12.
2007: i'm drunk, gonna call my ex 2017: i'm drunk, gonna call my senator
13.
the year is 2027. rihanna &her brand have seized the means of production from corporate america. we have universal healthcare. fenty health.
14.
Me after taking one Duolingo French session
15.
No you’re right that old perv dying is incredibly complex
16.
Every time i see a photo of men standing like theyre in a band i ask myself: is this the national?
17.
wake me up when an iconic female media mogul who lived her entire life in silk pajamas dies in her mansion surrounded by boytoys