1. Kris Humphries
“I’m committed to this marriage and everything this covenant represents. I love my wife and am devastated to learn she filed for divorce… I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.”
“I don’t know if you’ve heard, but there’s this lockout. I’m not able to make any money right now. My wife is smoking hot and rich as hell. Also she almost exclusively dates black athletes, which wouldn’t be a big deal, except I work with a whole bunch of them who also have nothing to do at the moment. I will do whatever it takes to make sure that she continues to support me financially through this time and doesn’t fuck Ron Artest. Seriously I can’t let her fuck Ron Artest.”
2. Kim Kardashian
“After careful consideration, I have decided to end my marriage. I hope everyone understands this was not an easy decision. I had hoped this marriage was forever, but sometimes things don’t work out as planned. We remain friends and wish each other the best.”
“The last check from People Magazine for our wedding photos just cleared (you can never be so sure in the publishing industry these days). When you combine that with the TV show, the other tabloid cash, and the fact that Frankenstein keeps telling me he can’t go to work because he’s ‘locked out’ it became clear that it was time to move on. I thought all athletes made good money, but apparently being a below average power-forward means that you don’t even have money to call a locksmith to get you into work. I had hoped that we could hold out longer and then sell a reality show based on our marriage dissolving, but when E! passed it seemed like it was best to move on. Sometimes things don’t work out as planned. I haven’t talked to him recently so if you see him can you let him know? Great thanks.”
“Oh before I go, have you seen Ron?”
- Black Lives Matter — the protest movement born out of a desire to stem police brutality — has taken root across the globe.
- Donald Trump is expected to pick Hardee's and Carl's Jr. CEO Andy Puzder to serve as his secretary of labor.
- The LAPD says it won't work with the feds on deportations — but it already does.
- People are mad at Jennifer Lawrence for telling a story about rubbing her butt on sacred Hawaiian rocks.