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25 Reasons That You Probably Shouldn't Let Your Kids Watch "Rudolph"

No, seriously, these are the worst lessons that you could ever expose your children to!

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1. Rudolph's Parents Turn On Him on Day 1!!!!

Rankin/Bass

As we get our first glimpse of adorable baby Rudolph, he utters his first 2 words - Mama and Papa....and then his nose glows red for the first time. His Mom's first reaction? "We'll simply have to overlook it." Dad quickly comes back with, "Now how can you overlook that?" Nothing like parental support from day 1!

2. Santa's a dick!

Rankin/Bass

Santa is quickly on the scene to inspect the newborn of his lead reindeer. As he asks, "Where is the new member of the family?", Rudolph manages to say his third word, "Santa." Before we even have time to awwwww, Rudoph's nose lights up and Santa almost falls over and exclaims in horror, "Great bouncing icebergs!"

4. Donner Covers His Son's Nose With Mud...As If!

Rankin/Bass

Donner shows why he's the lead reindeer with this gem, "Wait a minute! I've got it! We'll hide Rudolph's nose." At this point he begins applying mud to Rudolph's nose while uttering a Mommy Dearest-esque, "Come here boy...You'll be normal like everyone else." But alas, mud doesn't stick to reindeer noses so well.

5. You Can't Trust a Snowman with a Banjo...Ever!

Rankin/Bass

Now you're thinking, this snowman has his head on straight - he'll certainly point our the gross intolerance exhibited by the Donner family and Santa...right? Nope! Instead he offers this synopsis, "For the first year, they hid Rudolph's non-conformity."

6. Santa's Workshop Is a House of Evil!

Rankin/Bass

The scene now changes to Santa's workshop where all of Santa's elves are as happy as can be making their little wooden toys - all except one that is - Hermie the elf who just wants to be a dentist. After carefully observing Hermie's toy-in-progress, his boss exclaims, "Elves have a certain knack for toy building - except for this one misfit." Hermie tries to explain that he is just "not happy in my work, I guess" while the other scowl at him and shout, "shame on you!" in unison!

And on another note, Hermie appears to be the only elf with hair which may be the underlying reason for some of the other elf animosity.

7. The Elf Boss is an Anti-Dentite Bastard!

West-Shapiro, Castle Rock Entertainment

Hermie opens up about his desire to be a dentist - he even has a book on the subject! The elf boss (who may or may not be friends with Dr. Watley) takes away Hermie's 10-minute break and threatens to fire him because after all, "You're an elf and elves make toys."

8. Donner Has A Very Different Definition Of Self-Respect!

Rankin/Bass

Rudolph: I don't like it!

Donner: You'll like it and wear it!

R: It's not very comfortable...

D: There are more important things than comfort like self-respect!

At this point, Rudolph, fully defeated and beaten down by his own father has only one choice....launch into his version of, 'Why Am I Such a Misfit?'

9. The Reindeer Games Are The Perfect Forum for Those Just Learning to Bully for the First Time!

Rankin/Bass

Rudolph heads off to the reindeer games and meets a seemingly pretty cool reindeer named Fireball who even tells Rudolph that he can be his friend! He also points out that a cute doe is checking him out. Looks like things might be looking up for our friend Rudolph until...

10. The Reindeer Instructor Is The Most Degrading Coach Since John Goodman in Revenge of the Nerds!

Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation

Introduces himself to the young reindeer by saying, "Even though I'm your instructor, I want to be your pal." He then proceeds to partake in the ridiculing of poor Dasher's son who is the first brave reindeer to attempt a take off - and he fails miserably :( But hey, at least they weren't laughing at Rudolph!

11. Clarice Rocks...Well, Mostly So She's Probably An Okay Reason To Watch Rudolph

Rankin/Bass

Clarice, who might be the lone pure soul in the North Pole even takes a shot at Rudolph. The second sentence out of her mouth is, "What's wrong with your nose? You talk kind of funny." But all turns out okay because she calls Rudolph cute and he is on cloud 9.

12. Mad Skills Mean Jack If You're Shockingly Different!

Rankin/Bass

Buoyed by his compliment from Clarice, Rudolph performs a Carl Lewis-esque take off and impresses everyone - that is of course until his prosthetic nose falls off and Fireball exclaims, "For crying out loud! Get away from me!" - Yeah, I hope his parents are proud.

13. In the North Pole, You Can't Trust a Single Authority Figure To Do The Right Thing!

Rankin/Bass

As the other reindeer start shouting insults like, "Hey, look at the beak" and "Hey, fire snout" the wise instructor and Santa will surely step in and save young Rudolph...won't they?

Santa: Donner, you should be ashamed of yourself!

Instructor: From now on gang, we won't let Rudolph join in any reindeer games, right?

14. Clarice's Dad Is A Giant D-bag!

Rankin/Bass

In the face of all of the ridicule and shame, Clarice reminds Rudolph that he promised to walk her home.

Clarice's Dad see them together and spits out this life lesson, "You get back to your cave this instant young lady. There's one thing I want to make very plain. No doe of mine is going to be seen with a red-nosed reindeer!"

15. It's Better to Feel Sorry For Yourself With A Friend...Or Someone You Just Met in the Snow

Rankin/Bass

After sulking off, Rudolph meets Hermie who also has decided that he needs to get out of Dodge. This naturally leads to a duet of We're a Couple of Misfits

16. Women's Rights Haven't Reached the North Pole?

Rankin/Bass

While Rudolph and his new pals are floating across the ocean, Donner who apparently 'felt pretty bad' decides that it might be time to go find his son. His mom wants to go as well - as any mom would - but Donner firmly explains, "No, this is man's work!"

17. Even Misfits Can Be Cruel & Judgemental!

Rankin/Bass

The group reaches the Island of Misfit Toys which is guarded by an angry Charlie in the box who sounds a lot like he could play the center square on Hollywood Squares. He explains that technically the group is not even welcome there to which an exasperated Cornelius says, "How do you like that? Even among misfits, you are misfits!"

18. There Is Literally An Island, Separate From All Society, To House Those That Are Different!

Rankin/Bass

These are not your run of the mill misfits! These are spotted elephants and swimming birds and a water pistol that shoots jelly. It's a good thing that there is an island that can keep them away from the regular toy folk. Who knows what would happen if they ever got loose in mainstream toy society!

19. Just Because You Do the Right Thing, Doesn't Mean That Others Will

Rankin/Bass

"Growing up made Rudolph realize that you can't run away from your troubles." He decides to head back home and is off course greeted warmly by one of the other reindeer who says, "Look who's back...old neon nose."

An older and wiser Rudolph ignores the insults, heads back to his cave only to have Santa tell him that his parents and Clarice have been gone for months looking for him (did I mention that Mrs. Donner and Clarice ignored the sexist Donner and went out looking for Rudolph anyway? Nobody puts Mrs. Donner in the corner!)

Oh yeah, and Santa's biggest concern is not the welfare of the 3 missing reindeer but that Christmas Eve is just 2 days away.

20. Carnivorous Endangered Beasts Aren't Safe Anywhere - Even If They Are Just Following Their Natural Instincts To Survive And Eat!

Rankin/Bass

Apparently an abominable snow monster can not resist pork! Hermie lures the Bumble outside of the cave where Yukon drops giant blocks of ice on his head.

The reality of the situation is that the Bumble, a meat-eater, was simply doing what any good carnivore does to survive - hunt.

At least they didn't put him in zoo...or Sea World.

21. An Elf, Who Is Concerned That He Doesn't Fit In, Just Ripped The Teeth Out of a Wild Beast!

Rankin/Bass

While the Bumble is knocked out cold, Hermie yanks out all of his teeth with some medieval pliers that he must have been hiding Harlem Globetrotters style in his Flock of Seagulls swoop bangs.

What kind of elf does such a thing!?!? Maybe there is a reason that he doesn't fit in with the other elves!

Pretty sure that if they had time to remove all of the Bumble's teeth that they had time to simply leave.

Oh, and apparently Bumbles don't bleed and they take excellent care of their teeth because they were literally as white as the snow.

22. Even Santa Realizes That He Was Wrong...But Not For The Right Reasons!

Rankin/Bass

Not about Rudolph mind you but about being too hard on the misfit toys. Rudolph convinces him to pick up all of the misfit toys on Xmas Eve and find them homes. They even decide to let Hermie open up a dentist's office!

For some reason, Santa is never apologetic about his treatment of Rudolph.

23. It's Perfectly Okay to Take Advantage of Someone That You've Ostracized...As Long As You Really Need Them!

Rankin/Bass

There's the storm of storm outside and Santa needs to cancel Xmas....unless that is he can take advantage of Rudolph's non-conformity and use it to his advantage!

"You and that wonderful nose of yours!" You remember, the one that embarrassed your own parents, got you kicked out of the reindeer games and generally ostracized by the entire North Pole?

24. It's Okay To Pull Out Someone's Teeth Without Their Permission As Long As You Provide Them With A Menial Job In Return!

25. Donner Is The Worst Of The Worst Fathers Until The Bitter End!

Universal Pictures

Donner actually has the balls to say, "I knew that nose would be useful some day. I knew it all along!"

I hope that Rudolph puts him in an old aged home for reindeer - and not one of those nice ones, more like the Happy Gilmore kind where Ben Stiller makes you knit quilts until your arthritic reindeer knees ache with every stitch!

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