Posted on Jun 7, 2016

I Tried To Stop Being A Garbage Person And It Was A Nightmare

Garbage for life.

BuzzFeed Staff

"Garbage person" doesn't have to be an insult. I mean it in that fun, laid-back, "I wore sweatpants to meet the president" kind of way — in that semi-braggy "I ate at Taco Bell because I'm so much fun!" kind of way.

I believe that, as a garbage person, being somewhat lax in my daily routine has helped me enjoy life and reduce stress. But being a garbage person has its downside. It can be an excuse to not take care of yourself.

One morning I was running very late for work (a frequent occurrence), rushing out the door, and fumbling with my keys. "You're such a garbage person," I whispered. As the lock clicked, I stopped and wondered, what exactly would it take for me to NOT be a garbage person?

Being late to work is kind of a garbage-person move. Eating three bags of Dunkin' Donuts hash browns for breakfast instead of something nutritious makes me feel garbage-y. Not working out often enough, not flossing enough, going to bed wearing makeup. Jumping into a kiddie pool filled with pizza and kittens. (Dangerous, AND garbage-y.)

There's always a tiny voice in my head saying, "Do better." And while that voice needs to LIGHTEN UP, what if I actually listened to it? So I decided to make a list of all the things I wish I did, and challenged myself to actually do them ALL. Every day. For one week. Could I actually pull it off? Would I end up preferring a non-garbage lifestyle?

This was my best attempt at a "beach wave." It's annoyingly difficult and time-consuming to achieve a hairstyle that's supposed to look messy and effortless.

My guidelines for "cute outfit" were mostly "don't wear anything that looks like sad pajamas" and "maybe try to accessorize?"

I hit the scarf trend hard this week. It was something I'd been wanting to try but worried I couldn't pull off. Multiple people said I looked like a flight attendant. Is that a compliment? I can't tell? The lesson is: Never follow trends.

I know you're supposed to do your big-batch cooking on Sunday. But I ran out of time on Sunday because I was too busy relaxing and enjoying my life. So I had to do it Monday night. And it was awful. I made stir fry, lentil soup, and vegetarian bean sausage to eat at breakfast.

The flossing twice per day thing is surprisingly not that hard. I was HORRIFIED the first time I learned you're supposed to be flossing TWICE per day. Just once seems like a huge ask.

One time I got really into flossing. The dental hygienist said, "I can tell you've been flossing." I was so proud of myself, I just stopped flossing. (Classic garbage move.) But I'm ready to embrace flossing again, even though I think teeth are WAY too high-maintenance.

I've also been religiously washing my face, toning, moisturizing, etc. One time an Avon lady told me that every time you don't wash your face, your skin ages 13 days. By that calculation I already have the skin of an ancient witch. I've always been reluctant to use skin care products because the emphasis on anti-aging for women disturbs me. And I simply don't believe most of the products really do anything. But fine. I guess I'll moisturize.

Frozen peaches and blackberries, spinach, almond butter, almond milk, hemp seeds, and spirulina. Spirulina smells like sewage.

I had to choose between styling my beach wave and being on time for work. I chose work. But even skipping the hairstyle, I was 10 minutes late. It was only my third day of this and I felt like I couldn't keep up.

I finally remembered to read before bed, and I admit, it is relaxing to read a book instead of the internet before falling asleep. It's like the difference between a gentle bunny and a raccoon clawing your eyes out. (The internet is the raccoon.)