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    Posted on Jul 22, 2016

    15 Confusing Things You Can Buy From American Apparel

    I'd like one silky, metallic polyester diaper please.

    by ,

    1.

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    Joanna: For me this is one of those perfect outfits for going to the grocery store, getting a manicure, or checking in with my spaceship's clone station to make sure we have enough supplies for for the sexy clone takeover of earth.

    Chelsea: I hate to tell them this, but this would not protect you in space, as advertised.

    2.

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    Chelsea: I would like to shake the hand of the person who finds an occasion to wear this.

    Joanna: Me-ow! So many full body jumpsuits leave your neck cold. Not this one!

    3.

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    Chelsea: My biggest problem with these is that they are $80 for the least flattering pant you can think of. Also, when I saw these on Joanna's screen, the shadows made it look like this lady peed all down her leg.

    Joanna: Most jeans these days can't be described as "flowing." Most don't make a "swish, swish, swish" sound as you glide around the room. But not these. I plan to wear them on the weekend when my all-flute jam band comes over to practice.

    4.

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    Chelsea: Her facial expression confirms that this is the exact outfit aliens put you in when they abduct you.

    Joanna: I had actually been searching for the perfect metallic minidress to wear when I want to stare at the floor and think about my life's mistakes. Thanks, American Apparel.

    5.

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    Joanna: These look like they are made of a trash bag.

    Chelsea: When you're at the pool and you accidentally poo your swim trunks: don't get mad! Get Glad!

    6.

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    Chelsea: It's like a visor. For your butts (front n back).

    Joanna: Why don't they make more clothes you can see through?

    7.

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    Chelsea: This is the equivalent of putting plastic over your furniture. Sure, you CAN do that, but at what cost?

    Joanna: It's like, I want to wear a skirt, but I'm worried people will forget my butt is there. This is the perfect solution.

    8.

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    Chelsea: I appreciate the that deviation would really highlight my camel toe.

    Joanna: 🎶 American leggings, stay away from meeeeee. American leggings, mama let me beeeee. 🎶 OK, bye!

    9.

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    Chelsea: I was struggling to think of when I would wear this, but fuck it. I think I found my "meet the parents" outfit. No undies necessary.

    Joanna: Honestly, this is one of those neutral colors that works for all occasions.

    10.

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    Joanna: When polyester flows like a beautiful waterfall it brings a tear to my eye.

    11.

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    Chelsea: For the lady who wanted to be a little Annie Hall, a little Chad from the Hamptons.

    Joanna: Why don't I see more people wearing high-waisted, pleated pants? I've heard it's a universally flattering style that's both fashion forward and empowering.

    12.

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    Joanna: This reminds of that Mentos commercial where the guy rolls around in wet paint on purpose to look cool before a job interview.

    Chelsea: Perfect for the guy who's going to throw up on his pants later in the night. No one will know he did it if the pants start off vomit-stained.

    13.

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    Chelsea: You could hide so many things in those pants. Like kittens. Tons and tons of kittens.

    Joanna: "Because your crotch deserves more room." - these pants

    14.

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    Joanna: If you're gonna go mesh, why not just go all mesh? Commit.

    Chelsea: Why hide the nips?

    15.

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    Chelsea: I feel like I'm being yelled at here. This is the thing we should give aliens when they visit us and say it means "peace" in computer and it's really just nonsense.

    Joanna: Can anyone love punctuation enough to wear these?

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