1.It's time for the State Opening of Parliament, featuring the Queen's Speech. Which is one of the greatest, most bizarre British traditions.
2.The Queen comes to parliament in an official coach to read out her speech. Which is actually a legislative wish list for the next year written by David Cameron and Nick Clegg.
3.First up, the Yeoman of the Guard arrive in full regalia to symbolically sweep the cellars in order to symbolically prevent any modern day Guy Fawkes symbolically blowing up parliament with the Queen inside.
4.Then a single MP is taken hostage at Buckingham Palace. Symbolically. To ensure nothing symbolically untoward happens to the Queen while she's in parliament.
5.The benches of the House of Lords start to fill up with the spouses of peers wearing diamond tiaras, who have the right to sit there because they always have.
6.Because the House of Lords is a bit odd, you'll find Downton Abbey creator Julian Fellows and children's TV star Floella Benjamin on the red benches.
7.And then the Queen parades through a room of dignitaries and sits on the throne at the top of the House of Lords.
8.The official order of procession contains the most astonishing list of names and terms you'll ever see.
9.No really, it gets better.
10.Once everyone's paraded into the Lords, Black Rod is despatched down to House of Commons, has the door symbolically slammed in his face and not-so-symbolically attempts to smash it down.
11.Labour MP Dennis Skinner is then constitutionally required to crack a bad joke while refusing to be summoned to the House of Lords.
12.Speaker Bercow has a little bit too much fun being paraded through to the Commons, as MPs and staff look on.
13.The party leaders, who spend most of the year kicking seven shades out of each other, then pretend to make small talk for the cameras while they walk through to the House of Lords.
14.Eventually everyone, including the new Lords in hired stoat fur clothing, settles down for the main event.
15.The Queen then has the speech presented to her by the Lord Chancellor. There's also a copy made on goat-like paper.
16.And finally, the speech. The Queen reels off a list of things the government wants to do. She has to read out whatever's on the page.
17.And then, as soon as it's over, parliament goes back to normal and tries to do some of the stuff the Queen just promised.
18.Still, although the whole thing's a bit silly it's a pleasingly awkward family outing for some people.