20 Seemingly Normal Parenting Behaviors That Are Actually Completely Toxic

    This can't be OK.

    James Jones
    by James Jones

    BuzzFeed Contributor

    A while back, we posted here seemingly "normal" parenting trends that are actually toxic. In the comments, many readers from the BuzzFeed Community shared more toxic parenting methods that will have you raising your eyebrows.

    Roc-A-Fella Records / Via giphy.com

    Here are some that stood out the most:

    1. Hitting or spanking your kids as a form of discipline.

    Parent holding a black leather belt with a firm grip
    Dannikonov / Getty Images/iStockphoto

    "Do not 'spank,' 'pop,' 'tap,' or any other cutesy synonym of abuse. There are a ton of ways to discipline your child that don’t involve hitting them. Spanking is the laziest and most damaging form of discipline." —Rande K

    2. Assigning a scapegoat or "golden child" among your children.

    ABC / media.giphy.com

    "Scapegoats get over punished for the small things they do wrong and even get punished or criticized when they do the right thing. Tactfulness is twisted into gullibility in the scapegoat. The golden child literally gets away with murder." — theresal419ade210 

    3. Telling your child not to cry.

    Parent yelling at their child and pointing their finger while the child looks down in sadness
    Sorrapong / Getty Images/iStockphoto

    "Telling a child, 'Don't be shy' or 'Don't cry' or the like. You cannot order a child not to have emotions, and you absolutely shouldn't try — all that does is teach them that you don't think their feelings are valid and makes them feel bad about themselves." —emmak26

    4. Gossiping about your children with other parents.

    Orchard Music / youtube.com / Via giphy.com

    "It always bugged me that my mom would share EVERYTHING with my dad... especially as a pre-teen. I was much closer to my mom than my dad, and while my mom always completely understood me and never judged, my dad was (and still is) very closed-minded and judgmental. So when I thought I was having a mother-daughter moment about my feelings in confidence, she would later share it all with my dad. The next day, he would come to me and scold me and make me feel like crap for having feelings. I very quickly stopped opening up to my mom. Anything regarding health and safety, any major issues with school, friends, etc., or anything happy that deserves to be celebrated — yes, absolutely share that with your co-parent. But realize there are some things your child wants to keep private between the two of you." —TrilingualMom

    5. Telling your kids they're exhausting.

    Disney / gifer.com

    "If you're regularly telling your child(ren) that they exhaust you, that they're the reason you don't get any sleep/vacation/alone time, WHATEVER, then you're out of pocket. They did not ask for you to raise them. Don't make your burden their burden. To be clear, I am not saying that you're not allowed to be tired or overwhelmed! I am saying manage yourself, model what it means to respond to your own discomfort." —rads4135

    6. Calling your kids derogative names.

    Father yelling at his son holding onto his shoulder as the son looks away angrily
    Jackf / Getty Images/iStockphoto

    "You know what really bugs me, and I see it all the time? When people call their kids 'assholes.' Kids throw tantrums, they test boundaries, and they have bad days. It doesn't mean they're assholes. They're learning, and all those things are developmental." —Laura  

    7. Believing your kids don't have a right to privacy.

    gifer.com

    "Not caring about privacy. My mom’s motto is 'If you are younger than 18 years old, you have no privacy.' I was never allowed to have my phone in my room, not allowed to go on a video call in my room alone, I’d have to go in the backyard or stay in the house, my parents would constantly check my phone, I could never have my phone while using the restroom, and I had to charge my phone in the living room with everyone there to see." — sarah_lawrance777

    8. Accusing your kid of faking an illness or pain.

    Fox / gifer.com

    "Accusing your kid of faking illness or pain. Even if you suspect they're just trying to get out of school, why is school so bad that they're doing that? Psychosomatic symptoms are still real symptoms. If they say they have a stomachache and you think it's from stress, don't insist that the stomachache isn't real. It is real, and you're teaching them that when there is a problem, no one wants to listen, and no one cares. Dismissing them or telling them 'everyone has that' is harmful and exceptionally dangerous." —alanamuir 

    9. Forbidding or discouraging your child from dating.

    NBC / gifer.com

    "Don’t forbid/discourage your daughter from dating, even if you’re trying to protect them from predators or heartbreak. It only leads to them dating behind your back, especially with 'bad' guys. So if anything serious happens, you won’t know where she is or who she’s with, and she certainly won’t tell you if anything happens. It’s also just a really toxic thing to do. Instead, teach her consent and how to stay safe if you’re concerned." —ashtree

    10. Commenting on your child's weight.

    Young boy doing push ups with a forced smile
    Serrnovik / Getty Images/iStockphoto

    "Omg parents and relatives need to stop commenting on children’s weight. My family was notorious to always tell me how chubby I was getting and always made comments on what I was eating and how much." —princessT86

    11. Not respecting your child's boundaries.

    Fox / gifer.com

    "If your child tells you they're uncomfortable with doing something, back off and respect that boundary. I’ve always been uncomfortable around small kids, but my mom loves them and once let a baby stay at our house while the mom tried to get back on her feet. What followed was the mom flaking out on the baby, and with my mom at work and dad working around the house, I was left to babysit when I knew nothing about how to take care of small kids." —PinkPrincess88  

    12. Brushing off your child's interests, feelings, and struggles as "just a phase" or "just for attention."

    Young boy sitting on the couch with his head in his knees in sadness
    Ridvan_celik / Getty Images

    "Don't brush off your child's interests/feelings/struggles as 'just a phase' or 'just for attention.' My mom brushed off and ignored my gender and sexuality for years, and to this day my dad refuses to accept I have multiple disabilities, and both of those things impact me negatively to this day. Not to mention all the interests and hobbies I had that never went anywhere because I was discouraged from them because 'you'll be bored of it in a week; there's no reason for me to make this a big deal.'" —ghcstxbcy

    13. Adding attention to your kid's bodily changes.

    Fox / gifer.com

    "I grew up with this toxic family thing, where if a girl gets her period, everyone in my big-ass family will be notified about it, and the males all made stupid jokes about it." —Shay  

    14. Disregarding any parental wrongdoings as simply being blamed.

    Disney / gifer.com

    "I definitely grew up in a household that one parent took out all their childhood abuse on us, and as an adult, I have horrible anxiety issues and battled horrible self-esteem. I've been the submissive one in horrible relationships and always put up with the same shit my other parent did. Still affects me and whenever I've tried to approach the subject of childhood stuff I'm automatically accused of blaming them as bad parents when I just wanted to talk about it. Still taboo in my fam for 20-plus years..." —ypetocchirn

    15. Treating things like race and being LGBTQ like forbidden subjects.

    Three kids siting on a rainbow colored bench hanging out with each other
    Jackf / Getty Images/iStockphoto

    "Another toxic thing parents do is they treat things like race and being LGBTQ like forbidden subjects. By not telling your kids that being LGBTQIAP is OK, you’re telling them that straight is the norm and that everything else is shameful. It really hurts LGBTQ kids in the long run. I am questioning my sexuality (I think I might be bi), and I can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong with me because my parents censored all LGBTQ content when I was younger. And not talking about race causes kids to pick up on racist stereotypes and racist attitudes because they don’t know any better. It causes kids of color to internalize the stuff they hear, which impacts them negatively in the long run." —Katherine  

    16. Never saying, "I love you."

    A parent and their children holding a hear-shaped plush toy together
    Jittawit.21 / Getty Images/iStockphoto

    "I'm surprised no one mentioned never saying, 'I love you.' During and immediately after my parents' divorce, that was a huge part of them taking care of and kinda reconnecting with my brothers and me. Of course, we knew it, but it's nice to hear it out loud too." —P1nkL3m0n4d3

    17. Not allowing your kids to be transparent.

    TNT / gifer.com

    "My parents were always OK with us smoking weed (we live in Colorado), but anytime anything else was mentioned they’d say, 'That’s OK, I don’t want to hear about it.' Cut to years later when I ended up in emergency care because of an MDMA 'overdose.' I never told my parents the truth until my doctor ratted me out, completely breaking confidentiality, to my parents months later. They weren’t mad I had done drugs; they were mad I lied to them about it. And I told them why I didn’t tell them the truth: 'I didn’t think you would want to hear about it.' They realized they had maybe fucked up, and it was their fault, too, that I hadn’t told them." —monster  

    18. Being too overprotective.

    Overbearing parent holding onto her daughter looking at her lovingly
    Katarzynabialasiewicz / Getty Images/iStockphoto

    "All being overprotective does is teaches your kids how to lie. I lost count of how many times my friend's mums were 'coming round the shops with us' rather than just giving us a lift into town. This went on till I was at least 15, and then my mum was surprised that I wanted to go on holiday on my own as much as I did when I turned 18. Though now I realize that might also be because I like my own company." —kathryna456a720b8 

    19. Taking your anger and frustrations out on your children.

    Little girl with her face in her knees in sadness with a shadow of her mother scolding her
    Evgenyatamanenko / Getty Images/iStockphoto

    "Even if your kid had nothing to do with it, if you come home enough times in a bad mood where you’re slamming doors and snapping over little things, they will remember that. They will remember how you treated them when you had a bad day. The reason you’re upset probably isn’t about them, but it will feel like it. This will cause anxiety issues in the future." —madelynf487f41e0c   

    20. And last but not least: Comparing your kids to other children.

    Shine Australia / giphy.com

    "Comparing your kids to other children." —sinclair1022

    Do you agree with these comments? Do you have more toxic parenting traits to highlight? Let me know below in the comments!