30 Things That Start To Happen When You’re Almost 30

Please card me. Please card me. Please card me.

1. You know that if it’s past 8 p.m. and you’re not already out, you’re NOT going out.

Sorry, I already have plans with Bravo reruns.

2. These signs make you officially feel like a fossil.

3. You shudder when you realize college was 10 YEARS AGO.

Remember *sniff* not having *wipes away tear* class on Fridays? *open sobbing*

4. Hangovers not only last longer, but INTENSIFY AS THE DAY GOES ON.

NoooOOOOOoooooooooo what is happening to me.

5. Celebrity kids are now SO grown up.

Getty Images Jason Merritt

Yep, Britney has a 9-year-old and an 8-year-old.

6. You realize it’s always worth it to pay more for the direct flight.

I will cut back on other expenses, just PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME CONNECT THROUGH ATLANTA.

7. Comfortable shoes seem more and more attractive.

8. You dread New Year’s Eve more than death itself.

The crowds! The having-to-stay-up-late! The “Am I having enough fun as I *should* be having??” AHHHH PRESSURE

9. You lose the ability to digest the dollar menu.

*swigs directly from Pepto-Bismol bottle*

10. Every party you go to now includes at least one baby.

11. Your childhood is now for sale at vintage stores.

12. This:

13. You stop being romantic about having your own business cards.

14. You voluntarily buy kale.

It’s good for you and it tastes g̶r̶e̶a̶t̶ OK.

15. Hello, pimples and wrinkles at the same time!

16. You and your friends talk openly about pooping.

17. You don’t know who any YouTube stars are.

Who are these people the teens keep referencing??

18. Crafting starts to sound a lot more appealing.

You can do it on your couch!

19. “Being cozy” starts to supplant all other interests.

Yes, this Snuggie IS unironic, thank you.

20. Your back hurts when you do strenuous tasks, like getting out of bed in the morning.

21. You witness your First Facebook Divorce.

And it’s either ugly, or so subtle you almost missed it.

22. You stop freaking out when you don’t have plans on a Saturday night.

Early twenties: I’m staying in tonight and I’m such a loser and no one likes me.
Now: FINALLY!!

23. Pants without actual waistbands become your top sartorial priority.

24. Everything is now being marketed to people way younger than you.

25. You realize you’ve started ordering what your mom orders at the bar.

The CW / Via thedatereport.com

Chardonnay? Pinot grigio? Don’t mind if I do!

26. You’re truly horrified by the length of time you’ve been paying your student loans vs. how much of a dent you’ve made in your principal.

27. Happy hour becomes “would rather be at home” hour.

Fox / Via tumblr.com

28. Teen slang enrages you.

29. College kids start to look like small children to you.

30. Your life has generally calmed down a little, and you’re totally OK with that.

We can’t be 21 forever!

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