I used to be one of Jack White's biggest fans — I even interviewed him once — until he spewed sexist garbage about me (me, personally!) in Rolling Stone magazine. Since then, I haven't been able to listen to his music without feeling a little queasy.
But when the University of Oklahoma leaked White's tour rider, which includes a very specific guacamole recipe that's to be made and waiting for him before each show, I thought, hey, just because Jack White said he wanted to roll up his song lyrics and shove them in my mouth doesn't mean he doesn't know his way around an avocado.
I've made my fair share of guac at home before, so I decided to give the recipe a go to see if it was actually any good, or if White should stick to guitar solos.
Here's Jack White's rider containing the recipe:
And the recipe itself, which calls for very specific CHUNKS.
8 x large, ripe Haas avocados (cut in half the long way, remove the pit—SAVE THE PIT THOUGH—, and dice into large cubes with a butter knife. 3 or 4 slits down, 3 or 4 across. You'll scoop out the chunks with a spoon, careful to main the avocado in fairly large chunks.)
4 x vine-ripened tomatoes (diced)
½ x yellow onion (finely chopped)
1 x full bunch cilantro (chopped)
4 x Serrano peppers (de-veined and chopped)
1 x lime
Salt & pepper to taste
Mix all ingredients in a large bowl, careful not to mush the avocados too much. We want it chunky. Once properly mixed and tested, add the pits into the guacamole and even out the top with a spoon or spatula. Add ½ lime to the top later so you cover move of the surface with the juice (The pits and lime will keep it from browning prematurely.) Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate until served. Please don't make it too early before it's served. We'd love to have it around 5 pm.
I assembled the ingredients. I only had six avocados, but they're California avocados so they have the flavor capacity of eight shitty avocados.
I cut them lengthwise, scoop the pits out and put them aside as per the recipe.
White wants each avocado cut into 12-16 chunks, max. This is going to be some seriously chunky guac.
I dutifully chunkify all the avocados.
I've never put pits in guac before, but it's supposed to keep it from browning. Thanks for the tip, Jack!
Next up are the "vine-ripened" tomatos.
I am freakishly bad at dicing things, so I kind of shred the tomatoes into a loose chop and chuck them in the bowl.
Ooh la la. The whole time I'm chopping stuff, I'm picturing a miserable backstage assistant balancing a cutting board on top of a speaker, sullenly slicing up Jack White's tomatoes.
Next, the recipe calls for 1/2 of a yellow onion.
This seems like a LOT of onion for guacamole, and I usually use a red onion instead. But since I love onion and would eat one like an apple if it were socially acceptable, I go with it.
I chop up a nice big pile of cilantro. This might be too much cilantro.
Next up are the serrano peppers. I realize I've never cooked with serranos before, but they're about three times hotter than a jalapeño.
I also realize that if I use only three peppers, it looks a lot like Jack White's famous 3 logo. I decide that's what Jack would want.
I chop up the serranos, knowing full well I'll scratch the inside of my nose later, after handling these, and probably have to go to the hospital.
We're almost on our way to Jackamole!
The recipe next calls for "1 lime," and for a second I think, "Wait, does he want it CHOPPED UP and mixed into the guac?"
I add the "salt and pepper" to taste. This is a lot of leeway! I picture Jack angrily flipping the guac bowl over, screaming about salt proportions.
White has very specific mixing instructions: "Careful not to mush the avocados too much. We want it chunky." I nervously get out my wooden spoon.
Well, Jack is right. This guac is chunky as hell. It's closer in resemblance to a salad than a dip. WOWZA.
I break with the recipe and mash the avocados a little more to try to make it more dip-like.
I toss the pits back in, hoping no one chokes. (Which they won't, because I am the only one eating this guac TBH.) Voila!
The Jackamole is so thick that I can barely scoop it on a chip. But it's GOOD. Really good.
If you like your guac more dip- or Chipotle-like, you might not be into something this hearty. But for an onion and avocado lover like me, I enjoyed that the guacamole was so badass it made me chew it.
White's reps have since tried to do damage control about the leak, and in their statement, they backtrack on White's alleged love of Jackamole.
"Jack doesn't write the rider nor make demands about his favorite snacks that must be in his dressing room. We're not even sure he likes guacamole, but we do know that the folks who work hard to put on the show do enjoy it."
Has White's thirst for guac been blown out of proportion? I'm not sure, but no matter who is the REAL avocado fan, I'd try this recipe again.