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    It's Time To Ban Almonds, America

    California is in a terrible drought, and only you giving up almond butter can change it.

    By now, you know that California has been in a horrible drought for years.

    Justin Sullivan / Getty

    I'm not exaggerating when I say the deadliest and most morally sinister cause of our water shortage is ALMONDS.

    California is the only state that produces almonds commercially, according to the Agricultural Marketing Resource Center. 82% of the world’s almonds come from California. 82%!


    The dairy and grape and livestock industries are all water hogs too, but almonds have rapidly taken over state agriculture: 1 million acres, a twofold increase since 1996, according to The Guardian.

    Justin Sullivan / Getty Images

    It takes over one gallon of water to produce one — ONE — almond.

    That adds up to 1.1 TRILLION gallons of water every year that goes to almond production.

    Let's be real: Almond milk is watery and expensive.

    Did you know that Guy Fieri takes a long, sensuous bath in a tub of almond milk every day??

    Thinkstock / Getty / Ethan Miller

    By the way, this is how you make almond milk. IT IS DISGUSTING.

    I mean.

    Almond trees are very sensitive to drought and demand a lot of water, which drives farmers to dig deep, earth-draining wells.


    (Trees must be watered even when they're not producing crops.)

    Most of our almonds don't even stay in the U.S. — they're sold to China and India.

    Raveendran / Getty Images

    Which is good for profits, but bad for the U.S. environment.

    The almond craze means almonds are masquerading as actually tasty foods.

    And everyone knows almonds are the dumbest part of trail mix.

    Brian Balster / Getty Images

    This is an almond tree that had to get uprooted because it was too expensive to maintain.

    Justin Sullivan / Getty Images

    But yet, rich hedge fund dudes are buying almond orchards so they can afford even nicer yachts!

    It's actually in the Bible that Mounds Bars are empirically tastier than those crappy Almond Joys.

    Do you really trust a nut you can make MASCARA out of??

    Or a nut that sometimes contains CYANIDE??

    Remember Love in the Time of Cholera? Gabriel García Márquez equates the smell of almonds with "unrequited love."

    Do you want to support the existence of unrequited love? Didn't think so.

    We should probably all give up meat, but that's not going to happen. So let's start small. BAN ALMONDS.

    Just say no.


    Don't do it, America!




    *and the eradication of the medical marijuana industry, the bottled water industry, the meat industry, for farmers to be included in the governor's water order, the entire country to practice responsible produce habits, cessation of sending all our alfalfa to Asia, regulation of pumping from California's aquifers, xeriscaping incentives for homeowners, increased developments in desalinization technology, household conservation efforts, more wastewater recycling plants, reversal of global climate change, and Mother Nature to just bring us some fucking rain already.