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How Grown-Up Are You?

Or are you just a child in a grown-up skin suit?

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  1. Check all of the below that you have, that are definitely yours, in your permanent possession, and definitely not borrowed or stolen from an actual grown-up.

    A crock pot
    A vacuum
    A household pet that is a mammal
    A decorative area rug that is not being used to cover a stain
    A matching duvet set
    An Egyptian cotton duvet set
    A pantsuit
    A living will
    Bath salts that are not drugs
    A bathtub that is clean enough to take a bath in
    A Costco membership
    Scented candles that smell like pumpkin or "sea breeze"
    Reading glasses
    A nightstand that isn't from Ikea
    A desk that is made of actual wood from an actual tree
    A bookshelf that is not secretly a stack of crates
    A shoe horn
    A child
    Oven mitts
    Your own cell phone plan
    A debit card
    A dishwasher
    A bagel guillotine
    Walls that are painted colors other than white
    Consistent birth control that is not the pull-out method
    A 401K
    A will
    A plant that is in your care that is alive and definitely not half-dead
    A pair of jeans with no holes
    Lysol spray
    Life insurance
    More than one set of bedlinens
    A guest room
    Back problems
    A couch that is not secretly a futon
    An espresso maker
    Scotch glasses
    A headboard
    A wine decanter
    More than ten hardcover books, none of which are The Secret
    Hand sanitizer in your purse, alongside emergency snacks, a nail file, and a mini-mirror
    Curtains that hang from a metal rod
    A Brita filter
    A refrigerator that makes ice cubes
    Sunscreen with SPF 50+
    Jumper cables
    Self-respect. Haha.
    A job title that doesn't involve the world "intern"
    Dental insurance
    A voter registration
    A vitamin caddy
    A laundry basket that is not a Trader Joes bag
    A trash can that is not a Trader Joes bag
    An understanding of the democratic process
    An exercise routine that isn't sex
    A go-to news source that isn't your Newsfeed
    Ability to cook a chicken without giving your dinner party guests salmonella
    Ability to cook five dishes that do not include pasta or bread
    Personalized stationary (that you use to write thank you notes on time)
    A savings account with more than $1200 in it
    Clothes that need to be dry cleaned
    Pajamas that are not large t-shirts
    Underwear that is not sold in plastic bags
    A mortgage
    A charity you donate to every month that you chose intentionally and not because you were harassed by someone with a clipboard outside of Whole Foods
    A cell phone without a cracked screen
    A complete understanding of what you are allergic to
    An HBO GO account in your name
    That blue stuff you put in your toilet to clean it
    A doormat
    An accountant
    A fresh pepper grinder
    An organization system for the apps on your iPhone
    Clean fingernails
    A therapist
    A piece of furniture that is made from the skin of an animal
    OR: a consistent ethical commitment to not using animals for furniture
    Ability to get from one end of your city to the other without using your GPS navigator
    A rule about whether or not people are allowed to wear shoes in your house
    A "modest bathing suit"
    A bedskirt
    A spice cabinet
    A purse or briefcase that you see as an "investment"
    Actual investments
    Place mats that you use when guests are over
    Place mats you use when you're alone
    A "hiking buddy"
    A whisk
    A handmixer
    A watch
    A primary care physician
    A budget
    Sunglasses that you did not get for free at a football game
    A copy of your birth certificate kept in a manila folder that isn't in your mom's kitchen cabinet
    A "life partner"
    Pubic hair
    A Vitamix

How Grown-Up Are You?

So you may not have a 401K. And sure, you're still looking for your purpose in life and a pantsuit that doesn't feel like a costume. Who cares?! You're young at heart, you're having a great time, and it's 2014. You're far from alone.

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You are solidly on your way to a grown-up existence, but you're taking your sweet time. Good for you! Adulthood is a draaaag.

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Well damn, someone is moving right on up the adulthood ladder! You may not be ready to sign a mortgage or change the oil in your car, but you're sure as hell know how to throw a dinner party and show off your grown-up assets. Keep on truckin'!

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You are, for all intents and purposes, an Adult. You fancy and you know it. All you really need is a wine decanter and some tasteful slippers and you're baaaasically a complete human being. You go, Glen Coco.

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You are SO DAMN GROWN-UP. OH MY GOD. HOW DO YOU DO IT? SERIOUSLY, ARE YOU 60? If you are, that's impressive. If you aren't, that's even MORE impressive because you basically live the life of a 60 year old: scotch, reading glasses, life insurance and all. THE UNIVERSE IS YOURS TO BEHOLD, GROWN-UP!

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