A crock potA vacuumA household pet that is a mammalA decorative area rug that is not being used to cover a stainA matching duvet setAn Egyptian cotton duvet setA pantsuitA living willBath salts that are not drugsA bathtub that is clean enough to take a bath inA Costco membershipScented candles that smell like pumpkin or "sea breeze"Reading glassesA nightstand that isn't from IkeaA desk that is made of actual wood from an actual treeA bookshelf that is not secretly a stack of cratesA shoe hornA childOven mittsYour own cell phone planA debit cardA dishwasherA bagel guillotineWalls that are painted colors other than whiteConsistent birth control that is not the pull-out methodA 401KA willA plant that is in your care that is alive and definitely not half-deadA pair of jeans with no holesLysol sprayLife insuranceMore than one set of bedlinensA guest roomBack problemsA couch that is not secretly a futonAn espresso makerScotchScotch glassesA headboardA wine decanterMore than ten hardcover books, none of which are The SecretHand sanitizer in your purse, alongside emergency snacks, a nail file, and a mini-mirrorCurtains that hang from a metal rodA Brita filterA refrigerator that makes ice cubesSunscreen with SPF 50+Jumper cablesSelf-respect. Haha.A job title that doesn't involve the world "intern"Dental insuranceA voter registrationA vitamin caddyA laundry basket that is not a Trader Joes bagA trash can that is not a Trader Joes bagAn understanding of the democratic processAn exercise routine that isn't sexA go-to news source that isn't your NewsfeedAbility to cook a chicken without giving your dinner party guests salmonellaAbility to cook five dishes that do not include pasta or breadPersonalized stationary (that you use to write thank you notes on time)A savings account with more than $1200 in itClothes that need to be dry cleanedPajamas that are not large t-shirtsUnderwear that is not sold in plastic bagsA mortgageA charity you donate to every month that you chose intentionally and not because you were harassed by someone with a clipboard outside of Whole FoodsA cell phone without a cracked screenA complete understanding of what you are allergic toAn HBO GO account in your nameThat blue stuff you put in your toilet to clean itA doormatAn accountantA fresh pepper grinderAn organization system for the apps on your iPhoneClean fingernailsA therapistA piece of furniture that is made from the skin of an animalOR: a consistent ethical commitment to not using animals for furniture"Slacks"Ability to get from one end of your city to the other without using your GPS navigatorA rule about whether or not people are allowed to wear shoes in your houseA "modest bathing suit"A bedskirtA spice cabinetA purse or briefcase that you see as an "investment"Actual investmentsPlace mats that you use when guests are overPlace mats you use when you're aloneA "hiking buddy"A whiskA handmixerA watchA primary care physicianA budgetSunglasses that you did not get for free at a football gameA copy of your birth certificate kept in a manila folder that isn't in your mom's kitchen cabinetA "life partner"Pubic hairArthritisA VitamixCoasters!
How Grown-Up Are You?
So you may not have a 401K. And sure, you're still looking for your purpose in life and a pantsuit that doesn't feel like a costume. Who cares?! You're young at heart, you're having a great time, and it's 2014. You're far from alone.
You are solidly on your way to a grown-up existence, but you're taking your sweet time. Good for you! Adulthood is a draaaag.
Well damn, someone is moving right on up the adulthood ladder! You may not be ready to sign a mortgage or change the oil in your car, but you're sure as hell know how to throw a dinner party and show off your grown-up assets. Keep on truckin'!
You are, for all intents and purposes, an Adult. You fancy and you know it. All you really need is a wine decanter and some tasteful slippers and you're baaaasically a complete human being. You go, Glen Coco.
You are SO DAMN GROWN-UP. OH MY GOD. HOW DO YOU DO IT? SERIOUSLY, ARE YOU 60? If you are, that's impressive. If you aren't, that's even MORE impressive because you basically live the life of a 60 year old: scotch, reading glasses, life insurance and all. THE UNIVERSE IS YOURS TO BEHOLD, GROWN-UP!