1. When he pointed out the perks of being an *influencer*:
If I were a social influencer I’d never buy groceries. I’d just post stuff like “Bounty really is the quicker picker upper” and then wait
2. When he solved all online feuds:
I wish there was a rule where you had to share a photo of your dog before you argued with someone online. "WHO'S GONNA PAY F-aw, how old??"
3. When he shared a great plan for tweeting safely:
How 2 tweet safely 1. Say ur tweet out loud 2. Pretend ur someone who hates u 3. Attack ur tweet from all angles 4. Wait 10 days
4. When he had a fucking blast during the eclipse:
They kept it quiet, but during the eclipse you could swear as much as you wanted without consequence. It's over now. But what a f'n rush.
5. When he debunked a myth about celebrities:
6. When he replied to a drunk tweeter:
7. When he had some beef with online journalism:
Sometimes I see a twitter link about someone's new hair, w/ a pic that isn't of their new hair. Good time/place for the new hair pic, I say.
8. When he finally saw his Twitter crush IRL:
Landing in NYC last night, I saw the gorgeous @EmpireStateBldg and thought "we follow each other on Twitter." I waved. Nobody else saw.
9. When he low-key invented a new dating app:
Is it possible to have a courtship with someone entirely based on you both liking/not liking IG photos? Like some kind of binary language?
10. When he had his own spelling rules:
I always want to spell it "excercise." Anybody else do this?
11. When he invented "Retox Tea":
Hey everyone I wanna tell you about this great new product, Retox Tea. Some will point out it's only a bottle of whiskey. Quiet, haters.
12. When he had a very important question about Tiger Beat:
13. When he didn't have time to post a photo on Instagram:
Pretend I posted a pic of me on a balcony in Italy with my arms wide open I'm busy gotta run to sound check
14. When he should have been more specific with his celebrity demands:
Excuse me, this room temperature water, which I requested, is not the temperature of the room I had in mind.
15. When he shared a controversial food opinion:
Peanut M&Ms are plain. Plain M&Ms are sensational.
16. When he shared a not-so-controversial food opinion:
If you eat Skittles past the age of 30 you're making a very specific statement to the world. https://t.co/LPvF9ki9Qc
17. When he wanted to change the rules of Twitter:
I wish tweets didn't cap at 140 characters. I wanna use phrases like "far be it from me to tell someone else how to live their life, but"
18. When he wanted to reward thunderstorms for their effort:
Whenever there's a thunderstorm, I always have this secret little wish that the power will go out. That's like a trophy for storms.
19. When he had a lot of regrets after a party:
Whenever I come home from a party, I like to play a little game called "why did I tell that story?"
20. When he had some solid relationship advice to share:
21. When he was a package delivery truther:
I've never seen the FedEx and UPS guys deliver at the same time. Never even seen em together, come to think of it. Pics please. #FedUP
22. When he was an authentic Metallica fan:
Oh you love Metallica? Name three of their t-shirts.
23. And finally, when he sent out this very *alluring* dating profile:
Hi girls I'm John, single, I wear a patch for back pain and have a daily phone alarm set to remind me to take antacid. Real bad boy type.