1.
I’m impressed with how ugly I’m willing to look in public these days
2.
WHEN THE WRONG SONG COMES ON
3.
computer: "save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?" me: "yea”
4.
Remember when you were little and you'd fall on the trampoline and everyone would keep jumping so you couldn't get back up? That's how adult life feels
5.
does anyone remember when lol meant “laughing out loud” instead of “this is to indicate that this brief text isnt hostile”
6.
Was speaking to a nurse on placement and she’s like “do you ever feel like you use all your niceness at work and then when you get home you’re not nice to anyone in the house” and I couldn’t relate anymore if I tried 😭
7.
Drunk me telling drunk me not to throw up
8.
level 1: venting by crying level 10: venting by faking a conversation in your head with someone level 113: venting by creating an intricate alternate universe scenario in ur head where ur a celebrity on a talk show dramatically explaining the shit u've been going thru
9.
Another day has passed and I haven't used Pythagoras theorem
10.
One of my favorite games to play is “is my headache from dehydration, caffeine withdrawal, lack of proper nutrition, my ponytail, stress, lack of sleep, not wearing my glasses or brain tumor?”
11.
Things I Was Disappointed To Find Out Were True As An Adult: 1. I do feel better when I eat salad vs snack food as a meal 2. 8 hrs of sleep really does help my mood 3. Sitting in a chair vs flopping on a couch is better for my productivity 4. Drinking plain water is essential
12.
family: “how come u never sit and socialize with us?” me: *sits with family” me: *gets insulted by entire family* me:
13.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
14.
me (after spending two hours watching old Vine compilations): how do people have time to listen to podcasts
15.
I've been hitting "remind me tomorrow" on a computer update for the last 68 years.
16.
Me looking for my Uber because I don’t know what a Toyota Corolla looks like
17.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
18.
No movie will ever be as suspenseful as it was to wait while your friend asked their mom or dad if you could stay for dinner.
19.
The "It's only $5, why not buy it" mentality has probably cost me like $10,000 at this point in my life.
20.
me when I’m drunk leaving the toilets after chatting to girls for 5 minutes https://t.co/HFpDs8Wn58
21.
ppl be scared of pitbulls like these demonic shits don’t exist
22.
Adult culture is just walking around constantly astounded by how much everything costs
23.
IKEA is just an escape room you don’t have to pay to enter
24.
2 moods
25.
I wish there was an invention where I could send my body to the gym but my mind and soul could stay in bed.
26.
I am SUPER chill unless I'm hungry, overheated, running late, waiting in a long line, in traffic, at the doctor, on a beach, getting a massage, having a cocktail, sleeping,
27.
me looking at myself in the mirror after putting on the outfit that looked so good on me in my head
28.
do u ever eat a whole dinner and ur like immediately ready for Second Dinner
29.
I remember the way I used to get excited whenever I received a letter addressed to me when I was younger but every time I receive one now I think “fucking what now”
30.
me to myself when i should have been tucked in and sleeping
31.
My debit card is more like a gift card... not sure how much is on this, but we’ll give it a try
32.
“What’s a toxic trait you have?” Me: i tend to eat the other person’s fries on the way home and i keep the one that is full
33.
when you're playing pool and want to look like you have any idea what the fuck you're doing
34.
I can make pasta enough for zero or 25 people. There is no in between. Anyway, though, you guys hungry?
35.
Sorry I’m late I sat on my bed in a towel for 45 minutes staring at the wall
36.
*am 33 years old, sees my fifth-grade teacher* me: "Oh man, hi Mrs. Smith!" Mrs. Smith: "hi! you know you can call me Anne now, we're both adults!" me: "hahah absolutely not, have a nice summer though, great to see you, Mrs. Smith!"
37.
Me trying to not say "like" in every sentence
38.
anyone: me: ok but i really feel like ur mad at me :/
39.
If you drive past horses and don’t say “horses” you’re a psychopath
40.
You know what I hate? I hate those toilet paper dispensers where you need the skills of a gynaecologist to coax the paper out through the small gap at the bottom.
41.
what i’m actually doing when i say i’m 5 mins away
42.
Don't ever let a recipe tell you how much garlic to put in. You measure that with your heart.
43.
AM I HUNGRY OR AM I JUST DISAPPOINTED IN THE WORLD AT LARGE
44.
Mother: can you please fix my computer Me: *leans back in chair* well... well ... well ... if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
45.
my conscience escorting me to my messages once a week to reply to all the friends i've been ignoring
46.
me: [selects "send verification code as text" on a website] me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
47.
ME: I look cute MIRRORS: you look cute STORE WINDOWS: you look cute OTHER PEOPLE: you look cute IPHONE FORWARD-FACING CAMERA: what’s up you Shrek-lookin bag of bitch
48.
Me leaving the pot in the sink because “it needs to soak”
49.
Me: I hate math. Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
50.
"Haha": Normal, regular person "heh": Serious, likes a laugh but gets straight back to work "hehehe": Illegal in some states, be careful "lol": Obsessed with politics "lewl": Most apps wont even let you say this "Hah": Grew up rich
51.
Me in all my friendships
52.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for the person that finds them tomorrow
53.
When I was 19 I had an extensive high heel collection. Ten years later I have “going out” runners
54.
I’m just a girl Sitting in front of a computer Holding a phone Which is open to the same website as the computer I’m sitting in front of.
55.
Is there anything more relatable than Ginny Weasley's absolute horror that no one in her family told that her *crush* was sitting at the breakfast table?
56.
I dont need everyone to like me I just need for no one to be even the slightest bit upset at me ever
57.
[first person to have a houseplant] i'd like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
58.
The most important thing I've learned in life, and I can't stress this enough: you gotta make a salad in a bigger bowl than you think
59.
When I was younger and was in the shower and this happened, I thought I was a full blown water bender or aqua man 😭😭😭😭
60.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING OHHHHHHHH
61.
Excuse me, but does this Snapchat filter effectively hide all of my terrible life choices?
62.
“Did you sleep well” Me:
63.
Me at 18: as long as I’m in bed by 3 AM I’m good Me now: it’s already 8PM, we can’t start a movie this late
64.
types of vacations I need - a week to deep clean everything I own, twice - a week to just sleep, then sleep some more - a week where I don't speak to anyone - a week where I can cook constantly and never have to clean up - 2-3 days where I don't have to make any decisions
65.
If you’re ever with me and someone comes up to me and starts talking and I don’t introduce you, it’s strictly because I don’t remember their name. So please feel free to be a dope person and introduce yourself so I can then hear said name and pretend I knew it the whole time.
66.
When you set your alarms for every 5 minutes in the morning
67.
If u ever catch me on the streets looking distraught dw it’s fine chances are I’m listening to a sad song and starring in the music video in my head
68.
The only two ways to reply to emails: 1. straight away within seconds I have no chill 2. "I am sorry it took me six months to reply, I opened it, thought 'i'll do this later' and then had several large crises"
69.
me: i have to start eating healthier me feeling even the slightest amount of stress:
70.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. Typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
71.
My personal brand is having several tabs with articles about how to work more efficiently open at all times and never reading them
72.
"oh ok" actually means my heart just got ripped into a million pieces but i won't tell you because you wouldn’t care how i feel anyway
73.
people viewing my instagram stories vs people liking my instagram posts
74.
School and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes
75.
Every work email I send: Hey! Sorry to bug you! Was just wondering (If it’s not too much trouble) Would it be possible to do thing you said you’d do? Totally fine if not! Prob my fault anyway I’m an idiot :) Sorry to bother you! Sorry I exist! So sorry! Just let me know! Emily
76.
do u ever want to take a nap but the nap doesnt want to take u
77.
78.
y’all ever postpone an outfit
79.
how come when i eat just a buttered piece of bread at home it’s a struggle meal but when i eat just a buttered piece of bread at a restaurant i’m like wow the luxury of it all
80.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
81.
One week into vacation My body: please, a vegetable. Me: a croissant? My body: I'm begging you, a single leaf of kale. Me: so another bowl of pasta?
82.
my last 4 brain cells when i need to be productive
83.
sometimes i get really concerned about things very suddenly like i’ll be chillin then all the sudden be like “o shit where’s my birth certificate”
84.
PSA: Don't EVER let your printer know that you've waited until the last minute to print something out and you're in hurry because they can sense fear.
85.
I am thankful that I’m hotter now than I was in high school and that technology has evolved in a way that makes it easy to remind all the people who wronged me of this fact.
86.
*accidentally eats fruit seed* Friend: Omg you know it’s gonna grow in your stomach??????? 7 yr old me:
87.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store
88.
*A white dad at a restaurant who just paid his bill* His Brain: Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Dad: "You guys ready to rock and roll?"
89.
when u want to go back to sleep to finish the storyline of ur dream
90.
to keep things balanced i like to go back and forth between giving myself way too much credit or none at all
91.
The closest I get to a food diary is my shirt at the end of the day.
92.
yeah well i hope you go to put your hair in a ponytail but the hair tie is too loose to hold it & not big enough to tie it another time
93.
11 year old me writing ‘and then i woke up, it was just a dream’ at the end my creative story in english
94.
Why is my skin always trying to play me????? Do u not see me buying expensive things 4 u????? Taking the time to figure u out??? Hydrating so much I gotta pee every 2 seconds??? What is ur love language???? What will make u happy????? HOW DO I LOVE U!!!!!!
95.
When the milkshake extra thick
96.
FRIEND: so how are you? ME: I'm well, thanks! FRIEND: what's new? ME: not much! FRIEND: well, what have you been up to? ME: why are you doing this to me
97.
me at 6 y/o: bilingual, genius iq, mentally healthy, able to do math me at 18 y/o: illiterate, health is nonexistent, and needs a calculator to solve 6+8
98.
when your parents told you all your life how smart you are and you get to college and realize you were only smarter than the locals and you're actually completely average
99.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
100.
2008: I don’t talk to strangers on the internet. 2018: I only talk to strangers on the internet.