We are three thirsty fans of Once Upon a Time who decided to combine our fave pastimes (the show, and objectifying men) and create this list. We gave each guy a rating out of 10 on the thirst scale, and then used the average to get this ranking. Warning: this contains spoilers if you're behind on the show.
38. Gold / Rumpelstiltskin
Mat: -1000/10. Nope. No. No thank you. Rumple SUUUUUCKS. If he isn’t the Dark One (aka covered in gold body shimmer which will get ALL over your sheets), he’s just kinda moping around the Enchanted Forest.
Michelle: -69/10. Weird and scaley or in his normal state, I don’t think I’ve ever been turned off by a person more.
Jenna: -1000/10. Rumple is the worst - manipulative, abusive, selfish - and he never, ever changes. I don’t know why the show is so obsessed with him, but I wish they’d kill him off.
Mat: NOPE/10. (-1000). I CAAAAAN’T with Hades y’all. When he’d go blue and on fire I could NOT COPE, it was terrible. And all he’d do is sashay around his weird ballroom-dungeon-cave moping. Nope. Nope outta ten.
Michelle: 0.5/10. Lmao ew. I give him half a mark because he could light his hair on fire. Lit AF.
Jenna: 1/10. Worst villain the show has ever seen. He wasn’t even interesting enough to hate.
36. Grand Pabbie
Mat: 0/10. I do not want to bang a rock gnome. Gnome thank you.
Michelle: 6.9/10. Guys no. This guy is wise. Wisdom is knowledge. Knowledge is power. And as a literal rock I bet you he has a lot of power. Power. For having sex. Because he’s made of stone. Get it?
Jenna: -10/10. Michelle, no. THIS IS A ROCK, and not the good kind.
35. Prince Leopold / King Leopold
Mat: 0/10. I dont wanna bang either Leopolds tbh. He is too LeopOLD. Haha, nailed it.
Michelle: 1/10. Lmao shit go Reggie. You do you though, you get them dollars and jewels girl.
Jenna: 1/10. I mean, no wonder Regina was so mad all the time.
Mat: 0/10. Honestly I get that they wanted to be as close to the original as possible but LORD HELP ME WITH THOSE SIDEBURNS. NO.
Michelle: -3/10. Honestly what’s with the sideburns. 100% not necessary, and a 100% pass from me.
Jenna: 5/10. I wouldn’t say no tbh.
33. Archie / Jiminy Cricket
Mat: 2/10. Lmao no.
Michelle: 2/10. Literally just one point for him as a human and one point for him as a cricket. And tbh I’d probably fuck cricket Jiminy over the human.
Jenna: 1/10. Sorry Jiminy, but who wants a conscience hanging around all the time.
Mat: 3/10 . Can we all agree that Regina has dated WAY CUTER? Like sure, no one wants to see their beloved dead in a stable, BUT c’mon.
Michelle: 2/10. Lmao Regina you silly bitch. Why were you so hooked on this guy? Like honestly, go into the forest and find yourself a grand pabbie because this boy was not worth it.
Jenna: 1/10. I think I have residual resentment of him for starting this whole mess by dying. But I really don’t get how he screwed Regina up so much. I mean, if the loss of him caused her to curse the whole kingdom, WHAT THE HELL IS THE LOSS OF A FOX LIKE ROBIN GONNA DO?!
Mat: 0/10. Compensating for something?
Michelle: 5/10. Giant height, giant hands, giant dick. You were all thinking it.
Jenna: 2/10. I don’t want to be crushed, thank you.
30. Isaac / The Author
Mat: 4/10. Honestly I would have probably banged the Author if he wasn’t so annoying. Remember when he wrote himself as ~the most successful author in the world~ or whatever? What in the Dan Brown??? Ego problems. Not sexy.
Michelle: 1/10. A little too self-obsessed. That pen is obviously overcompensating for something else…
Jenna: 2/10. This guy creeped me the fuck out.
29. Dr Jekyll
Mat: 5/10. Nothing to write home about. He was fine???
Michelle: 3/10. You might be a doctor but yeah nah.
Jenna: 2/10. Sorry Jekyll but you’re no Hyde.
28. Michael Darling
Mat: 3/10. No, John was the hot one.
Michelle: 3/10. There is only room for one sad-looking motherfucker in this relationship and I’m sorry that role is taken by yours truly.
Jenna: 4/10. Sad face, bad hair… sorry Michael.
27. Sidney Glass / Mirror / Genie
Mat: 4/10. Is it weird that I was way more into Sidney when he was locked up and had that beard than when he’s all clean-shaven? Also I do not want to bang a mirror. That’s seven years bad luck.
Michelle: 3/10. I’ll take Sidney if he sits in a mirror all day and tells me what I want to hear. That’s my type of man.
Jenna: 4/10. My main memory of Sidney is that he was kinda pathetic around Regina which was not exactly hot.
Mat: 3/10. No, pass. I can’t wash the salty taste of that lame Herc cameo out of my mouth, plus he was so small-looking?? I wanted to Mount Olympus, not see what Hercules looked like as a LL Bean catalogue model.
Michelle: 5/10. I totally did not expect Herc to look like this. I want more muscle and nakedness and less Snow-style haircuts and responsible clothes-layering.
Jenna: 4/10. He was cute but totally miscast as Hercules. Don’t even get me started on what they did to Megara.
25. Leroy / Grumpy
Mat: 6/10. Hear me out, I feel like after a few pints of mead, Grumpy would start to look like that older daddy type you could go home with. Plus he’d have super strong arms from working in those mines. If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Thirsty.
Michelle: 4/10. Good ol’ Leroy looks like he would be a giver… and you know exactly what he’s the perfect height for. ;) ;) ;)
Jenna: 3/10. He’d definitely be fun to get drunk with but grumpy is not my fave personality trait.
24. Dr Whale / Frankenstein
Mat: 8/10. I have had a crush on David Anders since his Alias days so I can’t really separate him from Dr Whale, and lemme just say speaking of whales, I am interested in that Moby Dick, if you know what I mean.
Michelle: 3/10. Nah fam, sorry. I’m here for that doctor’s wage but I’m more of a bad boy brunette type of gal.
Jenna: 4/10. I haven’t seen Alias but I have seen Anders play total dicks in Heroes, The Vampire Diaries, and iZombie and it all adds up to me kinda hating his face.
23. Neal / Baelfire
Mat: 7/10. Outside of what is ultimately a totally shit name, Neil really was the ultimate Bae. Lol. But I can’t be the only one who feels like Emma definitely TRADED UP from Bae to Hook, right? Like Bae was GREAT but Hook is the BANANAS.
Michelle: 6.5/10. Guys Bae was the best. He didn’t deserve to die and I was so sad that Emma lost him… but I mean I’ll gladly find him. For myself. I would fuck the shit out of him.
Jenna: 3/10. He’s not unattractive, but he takes after his father in being the WORST (although less in an evil-kill-things way and more in a ugh-annoying way). Emma definitely traded up. Actually, I think the main reason I hated him was because he got in the way of Emma and Hook.
Mat: 6/10. The OUAT Kristoff was kinda cute and dorky but I felt like they made it seem like he REALLY WANTED TO FUCK HIS MOOSE. Like, too much moose.
Michelle: 5/10. Meh. Moose fucker or not, he was aight.
Jenna: 6.5/10. Kristoff was hot but I agree, he wanted to fuck that moose.
21. Prince Eric
Mat: 6/10. Prince Eric is one of the most BANGIN’ Disney princes, but I felt like in his princely garb, OUAT’s Eric was kinda gross? Storybrooke Eric was a bae tho.
Michelle: 5/10. Bruh, meh. There are so many white men on this show who look like him, it’s hard to keep up.
Jenna: 6/10. He wasn’t in the show enough for me to get really attached to him, which is a shame because Eric is my fave Disney prince.
20. David / Charming
Mat: 6/10. Charming is a hottie for sure, but he is a little too goody-two-shoes for my liking. He seems like the kind of man who wants to make eye contact when you bang.
Michelle: 6/10. OK look, there’s no denying that Charming has the looks. But you can just tell by looking at him that he and Snow have the most vanilla-ass sex to grace either land.
Jenna: 6/10. He’s pretty, but I am so over the sappiness that I almost miss the days when he couldn’t even remember who Snow was.
19. Liam Jones
Mat: 8.69/10. Haha .69 get it. ;) Anyway Liam’s episodes are always such a draaag but he’s hot and I’m cool with that. Also he looks super good in olde timey sailor outfits.
Michelle: 4/10. Hook for sure took all the sexy genes. This guy is OK, but let’s be real it’s probably his vest that’s making me feel this way.
Jenna: 6/10. It’s hard to avoid comparing him to Hook, and he’s no Hook.
18. King Arthur
Mat: 7/10. YEAH I DEFINITELY WOULD. I wanna pull that sword out of MY stone. He could be the night of MY round table if you get me. I’d bang him.
Michelle: 8/10. Those baby blues and beard are something else. Plus the man obviously has some strength which is always a plus. ;)
Jenna: 6/10. He is very handsome but SUCH a douche.
17. Brennan Jones
Mat: 7/10. WHO. Honestly everyone has such an extended family in this show it’s hard to keep track. Hook’s dad is kinda a bit of a thinking lady’s crumpet though, and I dig that.
Michelle: 7/10. This the kind of man that gives you intense daddy issues and I ain’t mad at it.
Jenna: 7/10. Terrible father. Hot dad tho.
Mat: 8/10. Ugh I really wish Gaston wasn’t such a dick, because he was pretty hot. :’(
Michelle: 7/10. There really is something about a man who’s evil that’s so intriguing.
Jenna: 6/10. You know there’s a problem when you root for Gaston (the problem is Rumple).
Mat: 9/10. LMAO DON’T JUDGE but daddy Poseidon was kinda hot in that armour and the big ol’ fur collar? I was into it, OK?
Michelle: 7.5/10. OK look. He had a burning hot trident that I could definitely find a place for if you know what I mean.
Jenna: 5/10. Yeah I see it.
14. The Dragon
Mat: 10/10. I would absolutely fuck the Dragon and so would you. Disagree and you lyin’.
Michelle: 9/10. LET’S FUCK ALL THE DRAGONS. THIS DRAGON. MALEFICIENT. LET’S FUCK EM ALL.
Jenna: 3/10. I guess I’m not into dragons.
13. Mr Hyde
Mat: 9/10. CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW HOT MR HYDE WAS?! Honestly it took me a little by surprise, but I am super stoked we will hopefully see more of him. Moooore.
Michelle: 6/10. His sexiness was definitely in the way he acted over the way he looked. Evil me up, Mr. Hyde, evil me up indeed.
Jenna: 7/10. He can Jekyll my Hyde any day.
12. John Darling
Mat: 7.5/10. Yes. John was the hot one.
Michelle: 8.5/10. Oh daddy, those glasses are doing things to me. I feel that. Everywhere.
Jenna: 6.5/10. John WAS the hot one.
11. Jefferson / Mad Hatter
Mat: 8/10. I did not dig Jefferson’s dramatic scarves so I cannot give him a higher rating, but Sebastian Stan could wear rags and I’d still think he’s bangin’.
Michelle: 7/10. Panic! At The Disco called, the want their lead singer back. However boy knows how to layer, and has the evil smirk down pat. I’d give him a go. Or five.
Jenna: 8/10. I really wish he’d return to the show, mainly so I can stare at his beautiful face more.
Mat: 8/10. Mmmhmmm yes I am here for Lancelot. I would like to see his Lance a lot. Hahah.
Michelle: 8/10. Hahahah I would fuck the shit out of him.
Jenna: 8/10. He can lance MY lot.
9. Prince James
Mat: 9/10. I like my men like I like my coffee, kinda psychotic and also a twin, so Charming's evil brother really works for me.
Michelle: 8/10. The evil aspect makes Charming 2.0 instantly jump up two points. Two points because they're twins, ya feel?
Jenna: 7/10. I kinda wish he'd stuck around for longer, he was pretty sexy.
8. August / Pinocchio
Mat: 8/10. Yeah August is hot, but his neckerchief makes me think he'd write you a poem or something and ugh I'm not so into that.
Michelle: 9/10. Yes daddy, when I see you I've definitely got something that turns into wood (If I had a dick this would work a whole lot better).
Jenna: 8/10. I was going to say something about things growing when he lies, but I won't.
7. Prince Phillip
Mat: 7/10. YES HE IS SUCH A BABE but liste, I'm not over the fact that Mulan and Aurora should have gotten together so IDK I can't give Phillip higher score.
Michelle: 8/10. This guy is like the dollar-store Graham which I am 100% OK with. I love bargains. And I love Phillip.
Jenna: 10/10. I love Phillip and would actually be fine if he and Aurora replaced the Charmings as the main royals on the show and brought Mulan back with them.
6. Robin Hood
Mat: 9.3/10. TOO SOON, BUZZFEED. I am still not OK about Robin. BUT I will still say he was a damn fine specimen of a man. And so well-spoken. He could fire his arrows into my target any day. Haha gross.
Michelle: FUCKEN WHAT/10. I'm not 100% up-to-date and just found out he died. Thanks guys. Anyway he sexy and has an accent so A+++ for me.
Jenna: 8.5/10. I am still so mad. He was so beautiful and so underused. And can't Regina get a goddamn break?!
5. Will Scarlet
Mat: 10/10. CONFESSION: I LOVED ONCE UPON A TIME IN WONDERLAND. And Will was GREAT in that (as was Emma Rigby as the Red Queen and can she please come back). Anyway Will is fine as HELLLLLLL and I am 100% into it.
Michelle: 8/10. A bad boy in a leather jacket with good brows is my weakness. But he also kinda looks like Beaker from The Muppets so…
Jenna: 9/10. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO WILL?! Belle should never have let him go.
4. Lord McIntosh
Mat: 10/10. Y'ALLLLLLL. I want Lord McIntosh to touch my Mcintush. WHAT A HOTTIE. And he BUILT. Merida wasn't interested in that slice of pie but I was. Ohhh I was.
Michelle: 10/10. OH MY MY MY. Babe, shoot me with your arrow and let's call it a day you curly headed beauty.
Jenna: 8/10. Look I'm not saying he was the best part of Merida's story, but I'm not NOT saying that.
3. Hook / Killian
Mat: 9.5/10. I am so into Hook, he makes living the pirate life look SEXY. Who cares if he probably has scurvy and his coat more than likely smells like whale vomit. I am definitely team Hook.
Michelle: 100/10. Wowowowoeo Hook man, shit. I would let that sexy, leather jacket-wearing man sail my seas any day of the week tbh.
Jenna: 500/10 I am HOOKED. Sorry. But also, damn - the accent, the charm, the guyliner, the leather coat, hell, even the hook. He's the main reason I'm still watching this show tbh.
2. Graham / The Huntsman
Mat: 100/10. THERE IS NOT MUCH TO SAY EXCEPT OH HELL YES SHERIFF.
Michelle: 6969/100. YO. YO REALLY THOUGH. I WOULD FUCK THE SHIT OUTTA THIS MAN. CUFF ME UP AND LET'S GO FAM.
Jenna: 100/10. YES. YES. BRING BACK GRAHAM.
Mat: 10,000/10. I MEAN, C'MON. IS MERLIN STILL A TREE? BECAUSE HE GIVIN ME WOOD. Haha but seriously is there anyone hotter than Merlin? Trick question, there isn't.
Michelle: BRUH/10. (1000). - YES, YES TO IT ALL. TAKE THAT CLOAK OFF, AND THE REST OF IT TOO.
Jenna: 1000/10. HOTTEST MERLIN TO EVER LIVE AND CRIMINALLY UNDERUSED IN THIS SHOW.