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19 Goddamn Hilarious Tweets That'll Get You Sent To The Bad Place

"If you want to read Shrek’s favourite verse in the Bible, just open up to Psalm-BODY ONCE TOLD ME."


[jesus washing disciples feet] jesus: disciples: jesus: disciples: jesus: disciples: jesus: this...this is weird isnt it


Me @ the pope when he goes past in the popemobile


Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE Me: My Lord will protect me Muggers: Haha, right- Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas] I smell SINNERS



Noah: Two? Why two of every animal? [God whispers in Noah's ear] Noah: nice lol


What are the chances of running into a gaggle of nuns with a four foot inflatable penis?


priest: body of Christ me: which part priest: no the wafer is merely a symbo- me: u got a thigh left


Waiter: "Would you like a drink?" Jesus: "Water is fine." Jesus: [looks directly into camera]


If you want to read Shrek’s favorite verse in the Bible just open up to Psalm - BODY ONCE TOLD ME


Judas: still on for Friday? Jesus: Friday? Judas: yeah, the last supper Jesus: the what? Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas


Nobody talks about Jesus' miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s


me: "we commemorate the day you died every year" jesus: "thats nice, what's the day called?" me: jesus: me: jesus: "keith?" me: "bad friday"


By this age I thought I’d be more successful.


JESUS: so I'm u GOD: yes JESUS: and ur me GOD: yes JESUS: I don't get it GOD: I do JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other GOD: whoa


don’t u think that mary just cheated on joseph and her cover story got a bit out of hand


I'll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like "Damn, that name's way cooler."


Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.


[jesus breaks bread] this is my body [pours wine] this is my blood [opens a jar of mayonnaise] judas: i'm gonna stop you right there..


In Heaven Me: I can't believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong Gid: You idiots couldn't even get my Giddamn name right