1.
this is literally the first time i have seen camo trousers camoing https://t.co/cfp6uQjjQ8
2.
One thing I won’t ever do again is build a snow dalek. I did that when we lived at our old house as the kids were into Dr Who. I learnt that when snowdaleks start to melt they upset the neighbours #snowman #snowdalek #drwho
3.
all broke dudes secretly want to do comedy and all rich dudes secretly want to be president. there is exactly one man who is safe to date and if he finds or loses $5 it’s all over
4.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
5.
SOCRATES: I am wiser than this man; he fancies he knows something, although he knows nothing— DARRYL, SOCRATES' FRIEND: fuck him up socrates
6.
|￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣| babies stare a lot for someone who doesn’t know how to fight |＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿| \ (•◡•) / \ / --- | |
7.
FRANCE: we're fancy WORLD: ok FRANCE: a fried ham sandwich is our national lunch WORLD: FRANCE: a fried ham sandwich with an egg is its wife
8.
9.
I told my kid to shovel the snow. I checked my video cam to make sure he was doing it. This is what I see. #michigansnow
10.
i swear to god if i am murdered and people talk about how hot my killer is and not how hot *i* am ......... there will absolutely be consequences
11.
can’t stop watching
12.
Mercutio, dying, yelling at both Tybalt and Romeo: Both your houses are fucking canceled
13.
I am so upset.
14.
no one: 2011 wattpad fic: i was getting ready for school, putting my long brown hair into a messy bun. as i looked at my blue eyes in the mirror, my mom came in. “i sold you to pay our debts” she said. “come meet your new master.” i went downstairs and there he was...harry styles
15.
The Princess Diana memorial group is the gift that keeps on giving.
16.
What is he prepared to do about it https://t.co/vBfgmwmRaA
17.
Me to my wife: "Wanna watch Svu?" My wife: "Sure but can we skip the int- Me:
18.
CAPTION OF THE YEAR:
19.
some earrings i ordered on aliexpress never arrived and they asked for photo evidence???
20.
romeo she's alive dude juliet is alive oh god he has airpods in he cant hear me oh god oh fuck
21.
ok seriously, u wanna know what brought real tears to my eyes this morning? it's this statue, which is 15 THOUSAND years old. an unthinkably long time ago somebody saw a bison licking his shoulder & was like “lol cute. look at him go. i’m gonna make a little statue about it”
22.
this is the funniest thing in the entire world. ken pulled out her legal name
23.
Bring me Han Solo
24.
Some movie character resting their head against the bus window: sad, lost in deep thought, staring into the world passing by, sorrowful music…… My head when i attempt to rest it against the bus window:
25.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11 ME: Yea CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am ME: Are these questions
26.
Had to do it since everyone says I look like the girl from the bee movie...
27.
A thing I think about a lot: young Proust meeting young Colette at a salon and declaring that her soul is the “daydream of the child of Narcissus,” filled with “sensuality and bitterness,” to which she flatly replied, “My soul is filled with nothing but red beans and bacon rinds”
28.
So our local children's hospital recently redecorated, but I'm not too sure they really thought things out.
29.
He's like a human ouija board. Like, whoever's sleeping with him has to watch where they put their hands or they're gonna summon the demons.
30.
no one: jk rowling: the sorting hat’s penis rests on ur forehead when u wear it
31.
Mood.