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29 Tweets That Are Freaking Hilarious For No Good Reason

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1.

when I was 16 my parents commissioned my grandad to paint a portrait of me to raise my self esteem. It did not.

2.

"This isn't my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo

3.

Cow: is this bus going downtown?? Driver: depends on whether or not you have moola lolol Cow: I'm fucking late… https://t.co/Dd2JX6U2Rz

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4.

So today I was lookin at a girl bcuz she had a piece of lettuce in her hair & she looks at me and said "I have a boyfriend" ok lettuce head

5.

"HHhuELLo my name ius Babadook Canterbury, please cast me in-" [LOOKING AT GIANT HAND] ""Human Movies""

6.

It's okay password, I'm insecure too.

7.

i can't believe i have to keep washing this stupid body until i die

8.

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9.

4 months ago i quietly left 57 dvds of 'click' at my parents' house and they've still never noticed or mentioned it

10.

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."

11.

"Go back to bed. This doesn't concern you."

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I didn't even have to photoshop this

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14.

Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war

15.

A simple way to help you remember how to spell "honey"

16.

[blind date] HER: I'm a big country fan ME {trying to impress her}: China is very large

17.

finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

18.

if you ever meet someone who calls Gatorade flavors the actual name of the flavor instead of just the color they are 100% a cop

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19.

I always keep my cool when using self-checkout machines because I want them to vouch for me as an ally during the robot uprising

20.

me creating new accounts to get one month free trials

21.

It is with a heavy heart that I must announce I am finally getting rid of my confusing and racist microwave

22.

The tenth Fast and Furious movie should be called Fast 10: Your Seatbelts

23.

I'm not appreciated enough. Saw this bread and not one person laughed when I said "dat ass dough".

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24.

@JoelMadden YOUR MUSIC IS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!! IGNORE THE USER NAME...THERE WAS NOTHING ELSE LEFT..

25.

Presumably good at helping people stay alive.

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when the music suddenly gets quiet and everyone hears you talking

28.

the face i make after i tell a bad joke and im waiting for everyone to laugh even tho i know they wont which makes… https://t.co/Xjqp9mMS1v

29.

my mom asked me for a pic of ed sheeran and i tried to be funny and i edited it i didnt know she was gonna frame it… https://t.co/hjxeapKCI0

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