1.
me: to catch a murderer, you gotta think like a murderer police chief: what are you doing? me: [putting my hands around his neck] my job
2.
in 2018 i’m turnin my depressy into successy
3.
this comic strip from 1921 is really relatable to this day
4.
Niamh is spelt Niamh but pronounced neve so why is Steve spelt Steve and not stiamh
5.
how did "the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog" become the typical sentence that contains all letters of the alphabet and not "sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow" which is objectively a million times cooler
6.
When telling a good story, you have to answer the following five things: - the Hoobastank - the Wherebastank - the Whenbastank - the Whybastank - the Howbastank
7.
"just get in the car, Sandra, I'll explain on the way"
8.
welcome to my gender reveal party. my reveal is that gender is a construct. also im not pregnant. i will be keeping your gifts. please leave my home.
9.
will smith: sure! won’t smith: no.
10.
RONNIE FROM JERSEY SHORE DID A MATERNITY PHOTO SHOOT WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND AND THIS IS ONE OF THE PHOTOGRAPHS THAT THEY PAID REAL MONEY FOR https://t.co/A1wUIUZCIW
11.
I unironically love this joke.
12.
I want this to be my gravestone. No description of who I was or when I lived. Just this
13.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay! me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay! wife: my salad!
14.
I can’t stop laughing at this
15.
me: I'd like one mcdouble please employee: sir, this is a Burger King me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
16.
Guys, you could have avoided this mishap if just one woman had been consulted in the design process
17.
18.
The most Daily Mail thing that the Daily Mail does is use “mother of three” as a descriptor for Beyonce
19.
My piano teacher: *looks at my lock screen* awwww is that you as a baby ?? My lock screen:
20.
white ppl spontaneously combust when u tell them the office isn't funny
21.
my boyfriend was like "you want me to sing you to sleep?" i was like uh you've never sang me to sleep before what's going on here??? and this dude started yodeling like the lil boy from walmart oh my god
22.
I have two requests if I die unexpectedly: 1. Sprinkle my remains on each member of *NSYNC, even Chris 2. Do not cremate me
23.
im crying im so happy for them