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Sitcoms lied about how much applause I should expect whenever I enter an apartment.
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“One day my son, all this will be yours” I say to my cat, gesturing grandly to my wide array of mental health problems
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My kid's daycare has a faux social app where they upload pics of his day and text descriptions of what he's been doing, but what I really want is the ability to DM him funny shit I see online.
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Americans: "Everything in Australia can kill you!" Australians: "Probably not an AR-15."
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Last week I was up at the Great Barrier Reef. I think that GBR and I are very similar. We’re both unique beauties, it’s impossible to confirm our exact ages and rich old men just keep trying to drill us.
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Weird how everyone's photo of their dad from the 70s amalgamated into a living being and then became the bachelor.
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ME: the once-groundbreaking special effects of avatar are now dated ALSO ME: pressing the “cord” button on a vacuum cleaner remains magical
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They said I was mad for spending ten years training two dogs to eat the same piece of spaghetti but I’m about to be rich https://t.co/jMOwMYqVS7
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yeah I’m into ASMR! A -nd doesn’t that S -ound familiar? Doesn’t that hit so close to home? Doesn’t that M -ake you shiver? The way things could have gone? And doesn't it feel peculiar when everyone wants a little more? And so that I do R-emember to never go that far
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opened Frankie for the first time in years and @marrowing has absolutely destroyed a lame ass bottle of hot sauce
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How April Fools Day feels when you're Australian.
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Bloody paywalls.
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If only men took giving women orgasms as seriously as cricket
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Do you want to know how Gold Coast I am? Big Kev drove me and my mates to my high school formal… drunk
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Hey @DailyMailAU I think you'll find the term is "washboard" abs not "waterboard" 🙄
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yikes all these men saying how ‘emotional’ and ‘over the top’ women are being when discussing our right to quite literally not get raped and murdered are forgetting how upset they got over a fucking cricket ball three months ago
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The finest Australian document ever carefully considered.
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You spelled ruin wrong
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Dystopian worldbuilding: people eat mostly a foodstuff made from one kind of easily grown monocrop, like corn or wheat. It comes unflavoured, in rectangular bricks, because that shape stacks efficiently, no wasted space, for transport & storage. Eating it is considered patriotic https://t.co/zB8WK9coEi
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The most Daily Mail thing that the Daily Mail does is use “mother of three” as a descriptor for Beyonce
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She's gone too far, you can buy carpet everywhere
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When it’s your first day at USyd
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wow. brilliant casting for the new Margaret and David biopic
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I've just realised this is a gritty reboot of "Madeline".
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I'm just saying this could've been worded better
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Waaaaaaaaaaaait for it
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Me at my 69th birthday: “thank you all for coming, hahaha, nice.”
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The decline of society in Australia can be linked to the lack of 'The Simpsons' at 6.30pm weeknights on Channel 10
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I have said it dozens of times but it is criminal that Yass doesn’t have a local beauty contest, denying the entire world the one and only official Yass Queen.
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@adamliaw Could I suggest that the Yass Queen's mode of transport be a Sleigh?
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#UniversityofAdelaide, where white boys explain things to bored looking women
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Australians: We are better than Americans in that we handled a national firearms ban and buyback scheme with dignity and poise Also Australians: I am completely unhinged about the supermarket not giving out free plastics bags and have decided this is the hill I’m dying on
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Thinking about buying a waistcoat and getting a job as one of the nine people who shouts "HEY" in an indie folk band.
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Eddie Mcguire: For $1 million, what is your MyGov password? Me: Ah fuck
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once again mice are making me look bad
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Just learned someone in my office makes milo and then scrapes the good crunchy bit off the top into the bin and I know everyone is a product of their context and I don't know their story but that is for HR to contemplate now
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me as a child: my name is never on the newsagency keychains :( me as an adult: my name is never on these memes :)
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V wholesome graffiti at Westfield Garden City.
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Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis. https://t.co/zDb40OUxJz
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for the women on this website horny for post malone may i suggest moving to newcastle australia and meeting the man of your dreams 4, 5, or even 6 times a day every day