1. Yesterday, Simpson trial judge Lance Ito allowed that mystery envelope to be opened, and it appears Simpson may already have won ten million dollars. (9/24/94)
2. The Food and Drug Administration announced today that while one ounce of Special K with four ounces of milk is a good dietary source of protein, one ounce of Special K with five ounces of milk is deadly poison. (10/1/94)
3. Queen Elizabeth II visited Russia this week, becoming the first English monarch to set foot in the Soviet Union. The visit, which will last for two weeks, is expected to have absolutely no effect on anything whatsoever. (10/22/94)
4. A new hangover-free vodka is on the market. Yeah. The ads claim that the 80 proof vodka is so pure, it's virtually headache-free. But, before you run out and buy it, remember: it causes massive anal bleeding. (11/12/94)
5. Fergie, the Duchess of York, turned down a guest appearance on the hit show Baywatch. Now, my research has uncovered that Fergie is actually British, not German, which, while not proving, certainly does nothing to disprove my time-tested theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff! (11/19/94)
6. Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. Hey, happy birthday, Jesus! Hope you like crap! (12/3/94)
7. Airline travelers' complaints have risen 22 percent over the last year. The single most common complaint was, "They lost my baggage," followed closely by "I didn't like being in that fiery plane crash." (12/10/94)
8. In a survey this week, men said they preferred penis size to height. Sixty-two percent of men said they'd rather be five foot two with a seven inch penis. Thirty-six percent said they'd rather be six foot three with a three inch penis. And the remaining two percent said they'd rather be one foot four with a three hundred inch penis. (12/17/94)
9. According to the National Transportation Safety Board, sleepy truckers are responsible for one thousand deaths a year. In second place? O. J. Simpson at two deaths a year. (1/21/95)
10. In a touching Valentine's Day gesture, a man gave his wife one of his own kidneys. Terrified, she dropped the kidney, and ran out of the restaurant screaming. (2/18/95)
11. A stock market rally pushed the Dow Jones Industrial Average past the four thousand mark for the first time ever. I have no idea what that means. (2/25/95)
12. A new study says that people who quit smoking have healthier lungs. Yet another groundbreaking story from the pages of the medical journal, "DUH." (3/25/95)
13. This week in the O.J. Simpson trial, the infamous bloody glove was finally introduced into evidence. And O.J. didn't help his case any by blurting out, "There it is! I've been looking all over for that thing!" (4/8/95)
14. Well, crime is down nearly twenty per cent in New York City with only three hundred and eighty-four murders so far this year. Only three hundred and eighty-four? You know, if you ask me, that's still three hundred and seven too many. (5/13/95)
15. And in music news, number one on the college charts this summer was Better Than Ezra. And at number two? Ezra. (9/30/95)
16. In a surprise move, O.J. Simpson has offered to give an interview to CNN, with "absolutely no ground rules." But interviewers Greta van Susteren and Roger Cossack have asked for one: "Dont kill us!" (12/9/95)
17. Our top story tonight: In Los Angeles this week, Lyle and Eric Menendez were found guilty of first-degree murder. So, to review California law: killing your wife - legal; killing your parents - illegal. (3/23/96)
18. In other political news, Texas billionaire Ross Perot announced this week that if his party wants him to run for President, he will. Accoridng to insiders, it is the first step of Perot's plan to waste the last few years of Bob Dole's life. (3/23/96)
19. In other showbiz news, it is reported that superstar Madonna is pregnant. Although, personally, I find this a bit hard to believe. I mean, uh, Madonna isn't even married! It's like, crazy! (4/20/96)
20. In a highly unusual ruling, the California State Supreme Court declared this week that O.J. Simpson attorney Alan Dershowitz is "One ugly bastard." (4/20/96)
21. Meanwhile, the Clinton administration has charged that the new Republican budget contains hidden tax breaks for big business and the wealthy. In response, Republican lawmakers said, "Shhhh!" (5/18/96)
22. It was revealed this week that mass murderer Richard Speck, while serving a lifetime sentence in prison, was videotaped with hormone-induced breasts, snorting cocaine, and having sex with a man. The film was apparently made with prison video equipment, and a $300,000 grant from the National Endowment for the Arts. (5/18/96)
23. Tomorrow night on 60 Minutes, Dr. Jack Kevorkian will sit for his first-ever in-depth interview. According to producers, Kevorkian agreed to the interview only on condition that it be conducted by veteran correspondent Andy Rooney. Wait! Don't do it, Andy, it's a trap! It's a trap! (5/18/96)
24. In England, a much-publicized videotape of a naked Princess Diana having sex with her lover Captain James Hewitt has turned out to be a fake. But on the bright side its still a video of two naked people having sex. (10/19/96)
25. Well, the New York Yankees are the 1996 World Series Champs and this week 3 million Yankee fans gather on the streets of New York to honor their heroes. While their fans were of different ages, races and religions they shared one thing in common. They were all standing in urine. (11/2/96)
26. Demi Moore has wrapped filming on GI Jane in which she plays a Navy SEAL combat officer. Moore says that in contrast to other Hollywood portrayals of women in the military, her character will have giant breasts. (11/16/96)
27. Our top story tonight comes from the O.J. Simpson civil trial, where this week it was revealed that in his first interview with police, Simpson had refused to take a lie detector test. His reason? It detects lies. (12/14/96)
28. Following the passage of a new city ordinance, strippers are now forbidden to give lap dances in the city of Houston, Texas. Or, as I refer to it: Nazi Germany. (1/18/97)
29. According to a new ordinance in Kansas City, Missouri, anyone convicted of indecent exposure, prostitution, or soliciting prostitution will have his name posted on a local cable channel. If I can be permitted a personal comment, while the plan's goal of publicly shaming sex offenders is well intentioned, it's important to remember, in this democracy of ours, that Norm MacDonald is a very common name. (2/8/97)
30. Well, here is a sign of the times: this summer for the first time ever you will need a reservation to get into Yosemite National Park. Officials say those hit hardest by the new regulations are the squirrels. (2/15/97)
31. Bessie the Cow, the most famous bovine citizen of San Antonio, Texas, is now listed in "Ripley's Believe It or Not" after giving birth to her tenth set of calf twins. Bessie also made "Ripley's" under the category "Least Original Name for a Cow." (2/22/97)
32. This week, pilot Linda Finch marked the sixty year anniversary of Amelia Earhart's attempt to fly around the world, by setting out on her own round-the-world flight. Finch took off on Monday from the same Oakland, California airfield as Earhart, and hopes to reach Europe by next Wednesday. By Sunday evening, if all goes well, she plans to have mysteriously disappeared forever. (3/22/97)
33. Recent photos sent from the Galileo space probe, orbiting Jupiter's moon Europa, suggest that it meets the conditions necessary to support a primitive form of life. Just what kind of life form? You guessed it -- Frank Stallone. (4/12/97)
34. In Indiana, the State legislature has approved a law requiring professional hypnotists to be trained at accredited institutions and certified by the state medical licensing board. Hmm... [pulls out tape recorder] Note to self: Cancel plans to tour Indiana as hypnotist this summer. Oh wait, wait! Ignore previous note. Instead, note to self: Get fake hypnotism diploma and proceed as planned! (4/19/97)
35. In a recent interview, Paul McCartney confessed that Bob Dylan turned the Beatles on to marijuana. In return, George Harrison turned Dylan on to looking old and haggard. (9/27/97)
36. Well, Bart, the eighteen hundred pound bear who co-stars with Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin in the movie The Edge, reportedly earns a whopping ten thousand dollars per day as a Hollywood actor. A small amount of the grizzly's income goes toward the preservation of bears' natural habitat. Bart spends the remaining money on bear whores and cocaine. (10/4/97)
37. According to new medical studies, exposure to second-hand smoke dramatically increases a non-smoker's risk of getting heart disease and lung cancer. Jubilant tobacco executives say the new study proves without a shadow of a doubt that non-smoking can kill you. (10/25/97)
38. And, in Sugarland, Texas, a Florida-bound Amtrak train collided with the back of a tractor-trailer carrying bagged sand. Thankfully, no serious injuries were reported. However, the accident did draw protest from the group People for the Ethical Treatment of Sand. (11/15/97)
39. In Maryland, Bell Atlantic plans to offer a service that would allow customers to learn the address of any listed telephone number in the state. Critics say the service would be an invasion of privacy, while proponents of the plan say it will help them invade people's privacy. (12/6/97)
40. Who are safer drivers? Men or women? Well, according to a new survey, 55 percent of adults feel that women are most responsible for minor fender-benders, while 78 percent blame men for most fatal crashes. Please note that the percentages in these pie graphs do not add up to 100 percent because the math was done by a woman. ... For those of you hissing at that joke, it should be noted that that joke was written by a woman, so now you don't know what the hell to do, do ya? No, I'm just kidding, we don't hire women. (12/13/97)
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