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A Definitive Ranking Of The Mario Brothers By Sexiness

It's-a me you're looking for ;)

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2. Mario

Nintendo

The undisputed hero of the Mario video game franchise, but not the hero of my heart, Mario comes in at a solid #2 of sexiest Mario brothers. Although he is nothing if not a kind and thoughtful plumber/race car driver, he is, alas, lacking in smoochability.

Appearance:

For one thing, the underside of his mustache is unkempt, like some sort of salty sailor who long ago gave up on the outside world. His overalls are slightly too blue, and he has weirdly pronounced knuckles.

Seriously, his knuckles show through thick, white gloves. Isn't that bizarre?

Personality:

I know this won't be a popular opinion, but Mario's a massive narcissist. Maybe one or two games with his name in it is fine, but are you kidding me with over two dozen titles?? Really? From Mario's Cement Factory to Mario Tennis: Ultra Smash, this guy CLEARLY can't get enough of his own persona.

And since when does simply playing tennis make it Mario tennis? Does he eat Mario toast? With Mario butter?

Ridiculous.

Conclusion:

I'm not saying I wouldn't sleep with Mario. Far from it. I would sleep with Mario right now. I'm just saying he isn't #1 material. And I'm sorry if the truth is hard to hear sometimes.

1. Luigi

Nintendo

The obvious pick for #1 sexiest Mario brother goes to, of course, Luigi. He is a walking dream, with skin like Egyptian cotton. He smells great. I love the way he smells.

Appearance:

90% of Luigi's body is made up of his incredibly enticing legs, and we are all blessed because of this. If every trace of humanity died off except one single artifact, I would like that artifact to be Luigi's legs, because that's how important they are.

His hat is very soft but also taut.

Luigi is a hero none of us deserve, and also his mustache is really clean and well-clipped. It is very smooth on the bottom and looks so smoochable, my god.

Personality:

Luigi is bilingual and great at mathematics but he never rubs it in your face. He just lives his life, and he smiles on those who do the same. He doesn't try to save Princess Peach because he knows that she is a strong, independent woman who doesn't need saving.

If Luigi was a Bed, Bath, and Beyond, I would stop at that Bed, Bath, and Beyond every single day on my way home from work to make sure it was okay and also to kiss its walls if it wanted me to. My god, I would kiss those green, clean walls if Luigi wanted me to, I swear I would.

He is the only brother willing to put in the hours necessary to keep their plumbing business alive.

Conclusion:

Luigi's favorite food is kisses and his favorite drink is not being afraid to shine from the sidelines. He isn't bitter about being rudely shunted to the role of sidekick by his older brother. If anything, it has made him all the more desirable. He is both the good guy and the bad boy.

Every person in the world has thought about sleeping with Luigi at some point.

  1. Do you agree that Luigi is very handsome and also, in some lights, even beautiful?

    Correct
    Incorrect
    Yes, of course I do.
    Correct
    Incorrect
    My god, yes.
    Correct
    Incorrect
    No, I am a human made of trash.
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Do you agree that Luigi is very handsome and also, in some lights, even beautiful?
  1.  
    vote votes
    Yes, of course I do.
  2.  
    vote votes
    My god, yes.
  3.  
    vote votes
    No, I am a human made of trash.
 
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