1. The intro would contain flame graphics.
2. And dramatic close-ups of cakes dropping and people shouting “screw this, I’m out of here! Why don’t you [bleep] yourselves!”
3. A deep voice over would say “TENSIONS ARE RISING. BUT WILL THEIR CAKES? WELCOME TO THE BIG BAKE OFF BEATDOWN”
4. And the intro music would either be heavy rock or bubblegum pop.
5. The judges would be under the age of 50.
6. There would be a big backstory from each contestant about the darkest moments of their lives.
7. It would be very intense and tearful.
8. There would be a huge cash prize.
9. And it would be mentioned at every opportunity.
10. It would either be held in a dimly-lit chrome kitchen studio or a super bright pink one like something out of a Barbie dream-house.
11. Someone dramatically putting their cake in the trash would be commonplace enough that it wouldn’t cause a national discussion as it did in the UK.
12. Cupcakes would feature a lot more heavily.
13. The contestants would say things like “I’m not here to make friends.”
14. Judges would shout at someone for their cake not having defined layers.
15. And instead of cheeky innuendos like “soggy bottom” a judge would say “this cake HAS A WET ASS.”
16. There’d be a challenge where they’d have to make 500 cookies each.
17. There would be many, many twists,
18. Including a twist where contestants would be asked which baker they think should be voted off.
19. People would swear a lot.
20. There would be tons of commercial breaks that would be referred to out loud by the hosts.
21. They would be given 45 minutes to make a three-tier-wedding cake depicting love through the ages.
22. There would be random celebrity judges who would say all the cakes are delicious. One of these judges would be Ariana Grande, and the contestants would have to make a sculpture of her famous ponytail using nothing but tempered chocolate.
23. There would be no cutesy grandmas.
24. People would always be using rice pops to create big sculptures.
25. And so much fondant.
26. All the cakes would have copious amounts of frosting, in fact everything would have copious amounts os frosting.
27. There wouldn't be tearful group hugs when someone is eliminated, instead everyone would wave with a slight smile on their faces.
28. There’d be loads of product placement, with all the labels very deliberately facing outwards at any given moment.
29. And random mini prizes every week that are also sponsored. The hosts would say things like "and YOU'VE won a lifetime of spatulas thanks to Sally's Splendid Spatula Co. When you think spatulas, think Sally!"
30. There would be no somewhat casual bakers – these people would live, breathe, eat and sleep baking.
31. They would say as much in their intros, before discussing the pastry shop they opened at the age of 21 with their then-partner before a betrayal changed everything.
32. There’d be bits in between the baking where contestants talk to the camera and say things like “this is my great-great-grandmother's croissant recipe and Brad thinks HE’S got this in the bag? Heh, we’ll see about THAT buddy!”
33. Instead of a misunderstanding being a short blip in the episode, it would be a defining narrative arc, and a rivalry between the two would simmer for the rest of the series before leading to someone flipping over a tray of cookies.