11 Disturbing Sex Toys That Are Actually Terrifying

This is what nightmares are made of.

1. Mr. Jack Mouth with Mustache

This is the goddamn creepiest-looking mouth I have ever seen in my life. This is not what mouths look like. What are those THINGS in his throat?? Stop that. I’m pretty sure I once saw this in a horror movie because that is the only place where this disembodied monstrosity would be even remotely OK.

2. King Dong

“Super-sized novelty dildo measures 15 inches long and over 2 inches wide.” For, you know, all those times when your giant 14-inch dildo just isn’t cutting it.

3. Baby Jesus Butt Plug

… This is just wrong on so many levels. Why does this exist. Just why. There is something incredibly unsettling about a sex toy with a smiling baby’s face on it, but you do you (literally). (Jackhammer Jesus gets an honorable mention!)

4. The Cannon

FOR WHEN EVEN KING DONG ISN’T ENOUGH FOR YOU.

5. Death By Orgasm 10 Speed Scorpion Bullet Vibrator

First off, “Death By Orgasm”?? Second, WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE A SCORPION. WHY. STOP THAT. THIS IS WHAT NIGHTMARES ARE MADE OF. It even comes in a coffin, for goodness’ sake.

6. Kaylani’s Foot Fetish

 

A foot fetish is one thing, but, ladies and gentlemen, THERE IS A VAGINA IN THE HEEL OF A SHOE. Let me repeat, THIS IS A VAGINA HEEL.

7. Area 51 Love Doll

I’m not sure what’s better, the “3 out of this world love holes” or the “free alien lube.”

8. Realistic Tongue Vibrator

Just imagine losing this in your house and, one night, being woken up by a strange sound of…something vibrating? What is that? you wonder, searching for the source of the noise. A FUCKING WIGGLING DISEMBODIED TONGUE IS WHAT. GODDAMN.

9. The Nut Crusher

Oh god why. WHY. Yes, it does exactly what you think it does. “Unscrew the bottom ring on the flask using the included allen wrenches, and insert testicles.” Nope nope nope nope nope.

10. The Dragon’s Tongue

Just…just look at that soda can for comparison. NOPE.

11. Dick Screw Twist

This goes INSIDE A PENIS. JESUS CHRIST. I’M DONE HERE. THERE IS NOT ENOUGH NOPE IN THE WORLD.

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