1.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
2.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper] "Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?"
3.
4.
God *giggling*: They are gonna be so tiny. Angel *writing*: ants... tiny... got it. God *suddenly tearing up*: but omg so strong.
5.
I'll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like "Damn, that name's way cooler."
6.
Jesus:"table for 26 please" Waiter: "but there are 13 of you" J: "yes but we're all going to sit on the same side"
7.
[god creating snakes] how about a sock that's angry all the time
8.
god: u gotta build a boat noah: can't u build ur own boat.. i mean, ur god god: [nervously] no i can i just wanna see if u know how
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10.
*knock on door* “Sir have you found Jesus?” Uh, no. Goodbye. *shuts door* *Jesus steps out from behind door with gun* Good answer
11.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn't act the way he wanted.
12.
I love this bible verse, it always helps me in times of need
13.
Nietzsche: God is dead God: Nietzsche is dead [they both turn to camera] THAT'S RIGHT, WE'RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
14.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
15.
16.
[in heaven after crucifixion] jesus: "they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there" god: [rubbing his neck] "see the thing is"
17.
Once at church I opened my eyes during prayer and saw Jesus riding around on a wolf making sure everyone’s eyes were closed.
18.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ. Soldier: You can just point to him. Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don't tell you how to do your job.
19.
When threatened, the Pope can spray holy venom up to 25 ft.
20.
Judas: still on for Friday? Jesus: Friday? Judas: yeah, the last supper Jesus: the what? Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
21.
Me: Excuse me sir, what's your Wi-Fi password? Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily] THIS IS A FUNERAL Me: *[Types in] THIS IS A FUNERAL
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23.
[God creating the ocean] GOD: Just put water friggin everywhere. ANGEL: Nice, that way if they’re thirsty, they— GOD: Make it undrinkable.
24.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ *noah looks at boat full of dead animals* do u kno how long this took