1.
*At a party* STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird shit? ME: No I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city.
2.
who the fuck calls earth sauce "water"
3.
you, watching the mask: I want what he's smokin haha me: he's not on any drugs. it's that mask. it makes him act wild
4.
HER: I'm leaving you ME: why HER: u lie to me constantly ME: ha! u don't just leave the man who invented the spatula Amber
5.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper] Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
6.
Before u leave the house, think of the acronym 'WOWEE' Wallet phOne Wkeys Egg Egg (backup)
7.
[stuart little stops next to me at the light in his fuckin sweet ass little red car] my gf, immediately: i think we should see other people
8.
Please. My rabbit. He's very sick.
9.
The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand.
10.
wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife
11.
[ordering cake over phone] "and what would you like the cake to say?" [covers phone to ask wife] "do we want a talking cake?"
12.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants] Where'd you get those tree legs, garden boy
13.
I can't dance to this. My first husband was killed in a love shack.
14.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That's Chappie
15.
*air horn sound* *second air horn sound* Me: "This isn't deodorant."
16.
“Did you cum?” Yeah out of my cage and I’ve been doing just fine
17.
tfw you want the minister of fisheries and oceans to review your snow crab proposal
18.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
19.
me: [raises hand] my date: again, that's not necessary
20.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I'll just sign up with a different name. They can't silence the truth.
21.
[at a funeral] We should do a jumping photo
22.
In hindsight I feel terrible that I named my first child "Merbin"and even worse now that I've also named my second child Merbin by accident
23.
I'm sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy
24.
HITMAN: Who's the target? ME: [slides photo across table] HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek? ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse