1.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
2.
[undoes GFs bra first time] "wow have you been practicing?" don't be ridiculous [me and dog exchange glances]
3.
If there's a sock on my doorknob it means I'm having sex with the other one.
4.
Sex is like pizza, if you're going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you're doing
5.
[having sex] Me: Oh ya you like that? Her: Deeper! Me: [baritone voice] OH YA YOU LIKE THAT?
6.
What if birds have tiny human-like ears underneath their feathers? That's certainly something to think about, but not during sex.
7.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
8.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can't stand it when you narrate the whole thing ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
9.
My phone autocorrects 'sex' into 'pez' in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
10.
[at the drs] Dr: are you sexually active? Me: yeah Dr: with real people Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
11.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] "Go on without me"
12.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
13.
[stops during sex] If you spin my fanny pack around, there's sandwiches in there. Help yourself.
14.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
15.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex] Her: faster! faster! Me: oh god no
16.
[Girl takes off her clothes] "You have had sex before right?" [Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower] ... "no actually"
17.
*pokes sex life with a stick
18.
Next time your getting hot & heavy with a girl, if she asks if you have a condom, look over both shoulders then whisper "A penis condom?"
19.
Her:How long before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?" Dr.:No one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.
20.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I'll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
21.
This girl told me she liked to be teased in the bedroom so we laid down and I said her new glasses looked stupid and she starts crying. wtf?
22.
Sorry I yelled "killin' it" when your mom was eating that banana.
23.
Me: Netflix & chill? Her: sure [later that night] Her: so you don't have Netflix? Me [pulling out 20 condoms]: I don't have chill either
24.
Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba