24 Tweets About Sex Guaranteed To Make You Laugh

*pokes sex life with a stick*


What if birds have tiny human-like ears underneath their feathers? That's certainly something to think about, but not during sex.

— Mark Leggett (@markleggett)

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

— dan mentos (@DanMentos)

HER: I like talking during sex, but I can't stand it when you narrate the whole thing ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly

— Michael (@Home_Halfway)

My phone autocorrects 'sex' into 'pez' in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

— The Dark Side (@StaceyShortcake)

[at the drs] Dr: are you sexually active? Me: yeah Dr: with real people Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

— David Hughes (@david8hughes)

[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] "Go on without me"

— Noodles (@Dawn_M_)

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

— Periwinkle Jones (@peachesanscream)

[stops during sex] If you spin my fanny pack around, there's sandwiches in there. Help yourself.

— Sassafrantz (@Sassafrantz)

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.

— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42)

[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex] Her: faster! faster! Me: oh god no

— Cool Eric (@OBiiieeee)

[Girl takes off her clothes] "You have had sex before right?" [Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower] ... "no actually"

— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious)

*pokes sex life with a stick

— Saucy Krismas (@Book_Krazy)

Next time your getting hot & heavy with a girl, if she asks if you have a condom, look over both shoulders then whisper "A penis condom?"

— Scotty (@MarylandMudflap)

Her:How long before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?" Dr.:No one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.

— DaBear (@astutenewf)

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I'll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

— Cutie McBooty (@8_sisha)

This girl told me she liked to be teased in the bedroom so we laid down and I said her new glasses looked stupid and she starts crying. wtf?

— brendan (@superduperkewl)

Sorry I yelled "killin' it" when your mom was eating that banana.

— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene)

Me: Netflix & chill? Her: sure [later that night] Her: so you don't have Netflix? Me [pulling out 20 condoms]: I don't have chill either

— David Hughes (@david8hughes)

Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba

— ♡ B ♡ (@SortaBad)

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Jamie Jones is a senior staff writer for BuzzFeed and is based in London.
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