1.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
2.
My parrot died today. Its last words were, "Fuck, I think my parrot is about to die."
3.
When you take a great instagram pic but remember you banned the internet in your country
4.
By the time he was my age, Lee Harvey Oswald had already shot a PRESIDENT. i haven't even shot a normal person
5.
*old person swipes card* *register buzzes* salesclerk: "does your card have a chip?" old person: just kill me
6.
Every time I see this poster I think it's an advert for Paul Mcartney's new album
7.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
8.
I always cry when I chop onions because a man named Jeff Onions killed my father.
9.
THIS MF EAT SOMEBODY EVERYBODY GONNA BE "IM SHOCKED!! HE WAS SO QUIET REALLY NICE & KEPT TO HIMSELF, HONOR STUDENT"
10.
I want a kiss cam at my funeral
11.
Jimi Hendrix and Kurt Cobain may have been great musicians, but could they do this? *Picks up guitar* *Lives past 27*
12.
Made some delicious vegan hotdogs
13.
people get weird about a twin absorbing another twin in the womb, but that's really the only acceptable place to do it.
14.
Me: have a nice day sir *guy leaves store, gets hit by car crossing street* *i run out, kneel beside him* what did I just fucken tell you
15.
Tbt to when my fish that lived for 3 years died and I didn't have a picture with it so I made my mom take one
16.
*holds newborn baby* why don't u follow me on Twitter u piece of shit
17.
Priest: we are gathered here today, on a fucken Sunday, because SOMEBODY [spits on coffin] doesn't know how to ride a fucken motorcycle
18.
Reserved for pregnant women to pee on their babies
19.
Pour Gatorade on your baby after he takes his first steps.
20.
If you pretend to be dead long enough, people come along and do your hair & makeup for free.
21.
When I was 6 years old I got coal. When I was 7 I decided to poison my cookies to Santa. Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad
22.
This young woman is going places.
23.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
24.
What if those inflatable air guys aren't dancin what if they're writhing in pain? What if they're writhing in pain n we've just been watchin
25.
I can't dance to this. My first husband was killed in a love shack.
26.
how many babies did you send to space, bush. you fucker. how many babies are still up there
27.
Fact: an Owl's head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
28.
If I ever saw a baby smoking a cigarette I would be like WTF I have the perfect tiny leather jacket I've been saving for this exact occasion
29.
i don't mean to body-shame, but this cat looks stupid as hell
30.
"Dad will they ever find Waldo?" "I sure hope not son. *tosses red and white striped sweater into the fire* I sure hope not."
31.
Me: Excuse me sir, what's your Wi-Fi password? Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily] THIS IS A FUNERAL Me: *[Types in] THIS IS A FUNERAL