1. Would you like this flat in Bayswater…
Price: £1,200,000
Bedrooms: Two
• "Cosy" is the word an estate agent would use to describe this place.
• You also have to cough up £6,000 a year in service charges.
…this house overlooking Newport Bay?
Price: £1,200,000
Bedrooms: Five
• Contains two pools: one for swimming in and one for, well, playing pool on.
• If you don't like chlorine the good news is that the ocean is only a stone's throw away.
2. You could pay a million for this semi-detached house in East Dulwich…
Price: £1,000,000
Bedrooms: Five
• Comes with double-glazed windows, just like in those fancy Hollywood movies.
• Orange carpets will come back in style one day. Surely.
…you could spend your money on this detached house in Usk.
Price: £1,000,000
Bedrooms: Five
• You can play piano on the staircase like you're Elton-goddamn-John.
• It's a relatively new build, meaning the place is much less likely to be haunted.
3. You could buy this small flat in South Hampstead…
Price: £1,100,000
Bedrooms: Three
• It's on the first floor, which is great if the lift breaks.
• The listing boasts high ceilings, so it's suitable for stilt-walking.
…this spacious house in Bangor.
Price: £1,100,000
Bedrooms: Seven
• Seven bedrooms, enough to house all seven dwarfs – Snow White can sleep on the sofa.
• Check out the view of that bridge.
4. Want to live in this Kentish Town flat…
Price: £1,050,000
Bedrooms: Four
• Resident parking means you can purchase a car and finally get around London conveniently.
• It's a 10-minute walk to the nearest tube station.
…this house with a guest cottage in Mold?
Price: £1,050,000
Bedrooms: Six
• Rent out the guest cottage and make a little extra money on the side.
• You could wear a Barbour jacket and not look like a total prick.
5. How would you feel about living in this terraced house in Maida Vale…
Price: £980,000
Bedrooms: Four
• There's an outhouse in the garden to store all the stuff you're too lazy to throw away.
• If you ask nicely they might throw in the Game of Thrones Monopoly set you can see lying on the livingroom table.
…you could live in this Swansea property for the same price.
Price: £995,000
Bedrooms: Seven
• The picturesque North Gower countryside offers views like no other.
• Having five bathrooms means you can use a separate one every weekday. What you do on the weekend is your own business.
6. There's this three-bed flat in Hampstead…
Price: £1,150,000
Bedrooms: Three
• The flat has "an abundance of light," which is something you don't have to pay tax on.
• There's nothing in the contract saying that you have to keep the creepy old portrait on display.
…an actual beachfront house in Saundersfoot.
Price: £1,150,000
Bedrooms: Four
• It's a beachfront property.
• IT'S A BEACHFRONT PROPERTY.
7. Fancy owning this Little Venice flat?
Price: £1,295,000
Bedrooms: Two
• There's a rug in the living room that really ties the room together.
• The area is nice and all, but it's not the real Venice.
…maybe you'd prefer this massive house in Llanhilleth?
Price: £1,275,000
Bedrooms: Seven
• The property comes with five acres of grounds.
• There's also an indoor swimming pool, so you can work toward getting your 1,000m badge in the winter.
8. For the same price you can buy this three-bedroom house in Richmond upon Thames…
Price: £950,000
Bedrooms: Three
• The listing states that the place is in need of refurbishment, and it is.
• The purple door looks nice.
…this goddamn lighthouse in Dale.
Price: £975,000
Bedrooms: Eight
• Looks like something the Sylvanian Families would live in.
• The place has a swimming pool AND a spa – the Sylvanian Families never had that.
9. You could purchase this brick building in Finchley…
Price: £1,000,000
Bedrooms: Three
• There's a nice-looking hedge at the front of the property.
• The interior looks like it was decorated by your great-aunt – you know, the one you only visit every three years in order to drop off a Christmas card.
…this stoney building in Chepstow.
Price: £1,000,000
Bedrooms: Six
• The exterior looks like a castle, so you'll be protected from those pesky Anglo-Saxons.
• Whereas the all-white interior kind of looks how '70s movie directors imagined the future to be.